In The Wake
by ShawThang
Summary: --COMPLETE--Post Chosen and Home. BA- Sometimes all you have are dreams of a better future.
1. Willow

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Title- In The Wake

Summary- Post Chosen and Home. Friends and foes reunite after the battles with Jasmine and the First in the wake of both victories. 

Disclaimer- I ain't claiming anything. It all belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy.

Distribution- Want. Take. Have. Just tell me about it first!

Pairings- B/A

Author's Note- Just so you don't get confused, the POV's change every chapter and the person will be stated in the chapter heading. However, Angel and Buffy will have a small POV at the bottom of each chapter.

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Chapter 1- Willow

I gazed at the broad crater that used to be Sunnydale, completely in awe of what we had accomplished. My whole life had been in the small town and now it was nothing but a giant hole in the ground, surrounded by a huge expanse of sky and land. My life had ended and begun in the past few minutes. I was free to do anything, everything I had ever wanted to do. 

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"We have a lot of work ahead of us," Giles said, causing the rest of us to groan.

  
  
"Can I push him in?" Faith asked jokingly, and I raised my hand with a smile. 

  
  
"You've got my vote." 

  
"I just want to sleep, yo. For like a week!" she exclaimed. 

  
  
"I guess we all could," Dawn murmured. "If we wanted to." 

  
  
I nodded, still gazing at the immense gorge. I turned my gaze to the woman standing in front of me, so far nearly silent since the defeat of the First. "Yeah, The First is scrunched so… what do you think we should do, Buffy? 

  
  
"Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore," Faith added, walking up to stand beside Buffy. "Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?" 

  
  
"Yeah, Buffy," Dawn pressed. "What are we going to do now?"

I cocked my head to the side, waiting for her answer. She smiled fiercely into the horizon, an expression of pride and satisfaction on her face.

"Live," she replied. "We're going to live. I don't care where or how or why, but we are going to live on."

Silence fell over the group and I felt tears well in my eyes from her final words. She was right of course. I looked around at the others and realized how many friends we lost, and knew that they would always be remembered. But the people who remained, well, they would continue living and fighting in a world that wasn't always a pleasant place to be in, but was always just that- a place. A place where we could experience and belong; where we could fight and fall, but pick ourselves back up again; a place where we could live. 

"The final, but beautiful, last words from Buffy Summers, the greatest Slayer of all time."

I spun around in horror, and gaped at Andrew who held his camera in his hand. I saw the others do the same and Andrew shrugged sheepishly.

"I put it on the bus before the battle," he mumbled, blushing under the unbelieving gazes of the survivors. "Didn't want to lose it after all the trouble we put into it."

"Andrew..." Giles began.

"Yes, Mr. Giles?" 

"You, you..." he trailed off, shaking his head in amusement. "Get on the bus," he said finally, unable to hide his smile. 

"Yes, Mr. Giles." He scurried away and hopped onto the bus, leaving the rest of us to exchange amused expressions.

Xander chuckled. "That boy is weirder than anything I've ever met on the Hellmouth."

"I agree," Buffy added, smiling again. 

"What are we going to do now?" Dawn asked again, still watching Andrew bob up and down on the back seat of the bus. 

I turned to Giles and saw that the others had already done the same.

"What?" he exclaimed. "Why do you expect me to answer that?"

Buffy snorted. "Because you're Giles."

I couldn't help myself- I laughed. "And you always know what to do."

"Yeah, G-man." Xander grinned. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, after I tell you to refrain from using that nickname, Xander, I would suggest we find somewhere to stay to regain our feet. We have near to no money, a bunch of Poten- Slayers, and serious injuries. I say that first we need to visit a hospital, then I say we should head to LA, seeing as it's the closest city to Sunnydale."

"Sounds good to me," Xander said, nodding. 

"I agree," I said. "Well, let's head off then."

Faith and Dawn hopped back on the bus but the four core Scoobies hesitated, not wanting to leave just yet. 

"You know," Buffy began. "Seven years ago I stood on this spot, looking over this town, wondering what my future would be. Dawn was car sick, so mum pulled over at this exact spot. I never expected anything to turn out like this..." She drew in a deep breath. "But I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. You guys...you guys are everything to me, so thank you. For always being there, not watching my back, but standing by my side." 

"Aw, your welcome Buff," Xander said, pulling her into a tight hug. 

"Yeah, Buffy, we love you," I mumbled into her shoulder as I joined the hug.

"You're q-quite welcome, Buffy," Giles said, hesitating before finally rolling his eyes and wrapping his arms around all three of us. He held fast for only a moment before releasing us and straightening his shirt. "Right, well I suppose we should head off now."

I linked my arm through Buffy's and Xander copied my actions on the other side. Giles shook his head but walked on ahead of us. I was the last on the bus, and as I shut the door behind me I saw Giles occupy the driver's seat and fought back a groan. We would be lucky to reach LA within the nest month. 

I took the seat behind Giles' and slumped wearily into the leather. I felt as though I could sleep for days and still be tired. Xander collapsed into the seat opposite me as Buffy traveled down the bus to check up on the injured. 

Although my body was yelling out for a nice comfy bed, my mind was wide-awake. I could still feel the power of the spell coursing through me and I suddenly realized what Tara had always felt and what I had been missing. It was so pure, full of goodness and nothing but light. I felt as though I weighed nothing and that gravity did not apply to me. I felt...free.

I lifted my eyes to Xander and saw the pain that filled his eyes. I immediately felt my heart go out to him. I knew what it felt like to lose the person you love, and be expected to remain in control. I was proud of his composure and relieved that he was coping better than I did. I suspected that the relationship between Xander and Anya had been over before the final battle, but I knew that he still loved her, and always will.

I glanced out the window and up at the clear, blue sky. 

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We did it baby, we did it.

I knew she was listening, looking down on me from up there. I knew she would always watch over me and guide me when I needed help. I loved her still, and my heart would never beat for anyone else as it had for her, but she was gone and I had finally accepted it. I had Kennedy now, and although she wasn't exactly perfect I enjoyed being with her. And that was all I could give her at the moment. Maybe someday not far in the future I would give my whole self over to her, but not yet. 

I switched my gaze to Buffy, who had returned from the back of the bus and had seated herself beside Xander. I could see how weary and fatigued her body was, but I also saw how buoyed and relieved her spirit was. She was finally free of the weight that came with being the 'Chosen One' and could live the rest of her life with the knowledge that she wasn't alone. 

I felt a pang of remorse when I thought of Spike, the soulless vampire who had fallen in love with the Slayer, then fought for his soul for said Slayer and eventually given his life to save the world. I regretted not getting to know his better, and for not giving him a chance. He deserved it, having fought for everything that ever came his way. I hoped he had been atoned for his sacrificed and somehow, I knew that he had.

"Giles, what are we going to do when we reach LA?" Buffy asked leaning forward in her seat.

"To be honest, I have no idea," he replied with a shrug.

"There's not many places who would allow all of us, injuries and all, in their motel," I added.

"We need somewhere roomy, clean and free of charge...any thoughts?" Xander said with a grin. 

"I might actually," Buffy replied, narrowing her eyes in thought.

"Care to let the rest of us in the know?" Xander asked.

"Angel."

"I take back my request," Xander groaned, banging his head on the window of the bus.

~~~

As I watched the horizon approach from the front of the bus, my mind was a whirl of thoughts. I hadn't yet absorbed the realization of what we had done; I was in a dazed state, and I had to remind myself that we were driving away from the crater that used to be Sunnydale.

Spike was somewhere under all the rubble, and it physically hurt that he was gone. I had loved him, whatever he may have thought, and I still did. I knew that what I felt for him would never compare to what I had with Angel, I still regretted being unable to convince him that I had loved him. But he was gone now, and with the world at my feet I had to move on. I needed to move on, and although I would never forget him, I needed to move past him. I glanced at the small clouds outside and silently thanked him for everything he had done and for believing in me.

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I know that you were always there for me, Spike, and I hope that you will always watch over me. I did love you, so thank you for saving the world and for saving me. I'll never forget you, William. 

I glanced at Willow and saw her move her lips as she gazed up at the blue sky. I knew she was talking to Tara and I found myself smiling at the idea that she still spoke to her girlfriend. I missed the blonde witch. I could sympathize with Willow; we had lost so many that we had loved. Jesse, my mother, Tara, Spike, Anya...the list seemed to long for a group of early twenty year olds. But that part of our life was over, and the future was there, if not exactly bright. 

"Giles," I said as I leaned forward. "What are we going to do when we reach LA?"

He shrugged and replied, "To be honest, I have no idea."

"There's not many places who would allow all of us, injuries and all, in their motel," Willow added. I searched my mind for a possible motel or a place for us to stay, but I came up empty.

"We need somewhere roomy, clean and free of charge...any thoughts?" Xander asked, and it suddenly clicked.

Roomy? This place had floor upon floor of rooms, most of which were empty. Clean? Well, considering I hadn't been there I couldn't really comment on the cleanliness of it. Free of charge? I didn't think we would be ordered to pay for our rooms, considering everything we had been through. It seemed our best bet, and our _only _bet. 

"I might have an idea," I answered, trying to remember the directions given to me. 

"Care to let the rest of us in the know?" Xander asked.

I swallowed hard, dreading the idea of telling them. It was the only place I could think of though, and to be honest, I needed to see him. I needed to tell him that I had been wrong. I needed to tell him that the only way I would ever finish baking was with him. To tell him that I needed him to be my oven. 

"Angel."

I spoke before I even realized I was going to. I held my breath, waiting for their response. I was surprised when Giles and Willow nodded thoughtfully and then in approval. 

"I take back my request," Xander groaned, and I turned to find him banging his head on the window. I opened my mouth to rebuke him for holding onto past conflicts when I saw that he was only jesting. 

I sat back, finally able to focus my thoughts on one thing.

Angel. 

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Please review and tell me what you think! Next chapter- Wesley


	2. Wesley

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Thanks to my wonderful beta reader Rylee, who is an absolute champ! 

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Chapter 2- Wesley

I dodged a potentially fatal blow and kicked out, catching the vampire on his side. I followed the kick with a quick slash of my sword, effectively decapitating it and choking on the ashes as it exploded to dust. 

I took a deep breath and glanced over my shoulder. Angel was fighting two vampires while protecting Fred's back as she battled it out against a blonde female vampire. I was impressed, but not surprised, by how much she had improved in the art of combat. She moved deftly, with a grace that reminded me of, but didn't even come close to, a certain blonde girl I had once known. 

Gunn fought with his usual style- all fists and no brains- but seemed to be holding his own against his opponent. I saw another vampire approach him from behind and dashed across the abandoned factory to thwart its element of surprise. As soon as I had staked my foe, Gunn noticed my presence and sent me a tight smile. I knew I wasn't yet in his good books, but things had improved over the last few weeks since Jasmine's demise. He had accepted that I was a permanent fixture in their lives again, and was treating me with respect, if not friendship.

Angel finished off his two vampires and I got the distinct feeling that he had only been playing with them during their fight. I supposed he would have a lot of tension and anger to burn up after the last few months. 

Fred was distracted by something that I couldn't see, and received a nasty-looking blow to her cheek. She was sent sprawling onto the ground and I felt a stab of panic shoot through me. Angel quickly staked the vampire before kneeling beside her, all before I could move a muscle to help her. He gently lifted her to her feet and I felt a pang of envy at his ability to protect her, while I was helpless to even move. God, how I wanted to protect her.

How that girl managed to tear me apart I'll never know. Everything about her affected me, and I didn't know whether I liked or hated it. Sometimes I wished I had never fallen for her, but other times I didn't known what I would do if I didn't love her. 

"Now that was some quality violence," Gunn stated, grinning wildly from the adrenaline rush.

"Yeah, getting hit always makes me want to jump for joy," Fred muttered, inspecting her ruined black top. 

"Are you all right, Fred?" I asked concerned, noticing the slight bruising on her cheek and the way she favored her left foot.

"Yeah," she nodded, gingerly touching the slight swelling. "Don't worry about it, Wes. It isn't too bad."

"We should probably head back," Angel said, his eyes sweeping around the factory. "Looks like we swept the place clean."

"And had a good time doin' it, too," Gunn added.

I nodded and picked up my sword, wiping the grime onto my jeans. I straightened, intending to help Fred when I saw Angel support her by slipping his arm around her waist. She lifted her arm onto his shoulder and leaned into him, slowly limping towards the car. I watched them bitterly and saw Gunn scowl.

I knew that Angel and Fred had become closer over the past year, and although I knew it was only a friendship and nothing more, I still felt jealous. How I wished I could slip my arm around her waist, hold her to my chest and whisper sweet nothings in her ear...

She had filled my mind and my body, and ever since that impulsive kiss I had placed on her lips, she had consumed me. After all that had happened with Jasmine, my only thoughts were of her safety and her exclusively. It was exhausting, but I knew I couldn't stop.

Shaking myself from my musings, I followed a disgruntled Gunn towards the car. I slipped into the front seat and pulled the car onto the road. Glancing in the rear-view mirror, I saw Fred hold her ankle out for Angel to examine, and with Angel not having a reflection it looked quite odd. She winced in pain when he apparently touched it, and she carefully settled it back onto the floor of the car. I hoped she wasn't in a lot of pain. I couldn't bear it if she were.

I pulled the car onto the road and directed it towards the Hyperion Hotel. Our home. 

To some degree, I was glad that Wolfram and Hart had been obliterated by the fire. The Hyperion had always been the center of our organization, and it had always been home. Despite the endless resources, the huge building wasn't home. It felt like a sterile hospital, and I was considerably grateful for the demons that had set it alight a week ago. The only regret was of the endless resources lost in the fire. Records that could never be recovered were lost.

It had only been a week since we had defeated Jasmine, and yet it seemed as though it had been a lifetime ago. Endless days of wandering aimlessly through the halls of Wolfram and Hart, and then the hotel, had made me restless. Whenever I saw Angel I had felt guilty; whenever I saw Gunn I had felt frustrated; whenever I saw Fred I had felt a yearning; whenever I saw Cordelia I had felt desperate. It went in continuous circles, forever moving forward but never getting any different. 

Unbidden, Lilah's face sprang to my mind. Despite the casualness of our physical relationship, I had loved her in some manner. She hadn't been what you would call a 'moral' woman, but she didn't deserve that end. No one did. 

I pulled my phone from my pocket when its shrill ring pierced the air.

"Wesley speaking," I said, wondering who would be calling me.

"Wes, it's Lorne. Tell Angel-cakes to get back here quick smart."

"Why? What happened?" I asked abruptly, narrowing my eyes and alerting the others with my tone. Lorne replayed his news and I nearly dropped the phone in shock. "We'll be five minutes." 

I hung up the phone and stared grimly at the road in front of us.

"What is it?" Angel asked, leaning forward anxiously.

"Wes, man, today would be good," Gunn added.

"We need to get home," I informed them.

"Why, Wes?" Fred asked with exasperation.

I applied more pressure to the accelerator, jerking back as the car sped up and I directed it around the traffic.

"Cordelia woke up."

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"Cordelia woke up."

I felt my body go rigid when Wesley spoke those words. I had hoped and prayed that she would wake from her coma and now, to hear those words spoken aloud, I was afraid to allow myself to believe them. 

"Cordy's awake," I murmured, turning to Fred.

"I know," she answered, a small smile playing nervously across her lips.

I saw how uncertain she was and tried to reassure her. "She'll be the normal Cordy. The one we knew before all this happened." I found myself trying to convince myself as much as her. "She will be."

I thought back to the Cordelia of two years ago, and remembered the naïve, lively girl she had been. Out of everyone I had known over the years, Cordelia was the one who had changed the most. She had experience more horrors than anyone I had known in my entire lifetime, and considering I had been alive for over two centuries that was certainly some accomplishment. 

She had been manipulated and tricked her whole life, and now she had experienced the most horrifying thing of all. Her life had been used. Her very will to choose to live had been taken from her hands, and she had been forced into things that she would regret for the rest of her life. 

I still loved Cordelia, although not as I had once believed. She had been my best friend for so long that I had turned those feelings of love and friendship into something that just wasn't there. I did love her, but not as I loved another woman.

Buffy.

She too had been forced into a life that she hadn't chosen, but had been compelled to perform. My beautiful Slayer, the one who had dragged me back from the brink of insanity and given me purpose. She would hold my heart until the day it was pierced with a stake, and there was no one who could change it.

I wondered where she was and if the war with the First had begun. I had been waiting for the call that would relieve me of my worrying, but so far there hadn't been any. I knew the world hadn't ended, but I knew also that I would soon find out if it did. How could I be expected to save the world if she wasn't going to be in it? Why would I want to?

Fred gave my hand a friendly squeeze and I responded with a smile. I had three beautiful women in my life that loved me for who, and what, I was. I had lost all three of them- Buffy to the curse years ago, Cordelia to a coma and Fred to the release of Jasmine's blood. Now I had reunited with Fred and would soon do so with Cordelia. However, Buffy was the most important woman in my life, and if I didn't have her, I wasn't complete. 

So why, after four years, couldn't I work up the courage to go back to her?

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Please review! Next chapter- Xander


	3. Xander

Chapter 3- Xander

I watched the sparse trees sweep by as the bus drove on, my head resting against the glass of the window. I still couldn't believe that the battle was over; the First was gone. There would be no more long speeches, painful injuries, annoying chatty girls or sleepless nights. It was over, and we were leaving Sunnydale behind us to start anew.

Then why did I feel so miserable? I knew. I was alone. I had left Anya behind in the school to perish alone, just as I had left her at the alter after allowing that stupid demon to convince me that I couldn't make Anya happy. And so I had made Anya miserable for the last year of her life. And now she's gone, and all I have are the memories. 

And what memories they are. I found myself smiling as I remembered the times we shared over the years. Her embarrassing comments about our sex life had always brought a smile to my face, although more to keep face than humor. Her witty but blunt remarks that said what everyone had been thinking but had been too afraid to day aloud had been helpful more than once. And most importantly, I remembered her ability to make me feel like the luckiest man alive. 

I hope she's happy.

I didn't want to think about Anya anymore, so I pushed all thoughts of the blonde to the back of my mind. Not to be forgotten, just...reserved until I was alone and could grieve properly.

My thoughts moved onto the hospital we had just left. The whole group had stumbled into the foyer, most of us bleeding and bruised from head to toe. Most of the young girls had been attended to first, with them having the most serious injuries and then the rest of us were patched up. Once everyone had been cleaned up the staff's inquires had come in a barrage of questions. Giles and Buffy had been the only two who had answered. They had spun a tale about being in charge of a boarding school on excursion in Sunnydale. Apparently, we had been visiting a motel when it had suddenly caught fire, and most of us had been lucky to escape. The Sunnydale hospital had been full, leaving them to only one other option, and that was to drive out to the hospital they were currently in. 

I had been surprised when they actually bought the ridiculous story, but then again I shouldn't have been considering the stuff that people in Sunnydale had refused to see. I grinned when I thought about the shock that they would get when they discovered that Sunnydale didn't even exist anymore. 

"What are you smiling about?" Buffy asked, the side of her lip curling.

"Nothing," I replied. "Just the look on Giles' face when you told the nurse that story."

Buffy laughed, and I felt the knot around my heart loosen just the smallest bit. Laughter hadn't been a large part of Buffy's life over the years, last year especially, and to hear her laugh so freely made me want to join her. 

"Hey Giles," Buffy called, walking over to lean on the dashboard beside the steering wheel. "How much money do we have?"

Giles opened the glove compartment and retrieved a wad of cash. He threw it to Buffy, who caught it and flicked through it. 

"'Bout three hundred. Should be enough."

"For what, may I ask?" Giles questioned, shooting a quick glance at Buffy as she squinted out the window. 

"You'll see," she replied cryptically. She pointed to a growing smudge on the horizon. "Is that another town?"

I looked in the direction she pointed and saw nothing, but I didn't have the enhanced vision of a Slayer.

"Yeah, it is," Willow replied. "Small, only about two hundred people live there, but it's got a supermarket and a few shops. Why d'ya want to know?"

Buffy smiled, and sat back in her seat.

"No reason, but Giles, can you pull over when you get there?" 

"Uh, sure. How long will you need?" 

"Only twenty minutes," she answered, still smiling her silly grin. 

I exchanged an amused glance with Willow. "Uh, Buffy?" She turned to look at me, raising her eyebrows questioningly. "I know I regretted this question last time I asked it, but would you care to let the rest of us in the know?"

"Nope, can't do. You're just going to have to wait."

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Half an hour later we pulled up outside a small diner. We trundle off the bus and tramped inside, drawing curious gazers from the locals. We filled three booths and because no one felt that they could stomach any food we only ordered drinks. I sipped at my coke, watching the girls exchange stories about their first lovers. 

I watched Willow take a sip of her mocha, then lie back into the plush red leather and close her eyes. I knew she was thinking about the magic inside her, the power she possessed. I had overheard Kennedy telling the girls and Andrew about Willow's spell, and as I realized that Willow had finally defeated the darkness inside her I felt the knot in my heart loosen another notch. 

I turned to see Giles pay the bill and walk back to the table, again reaching for his glasses and again realizing that they were no longer there. Good old Giles. Over all the years he still had the one habit that reminded me of the first day of school in 1997, the day that started me rest of my life. 

I stood up as he approached and pulled Willow out with me. Giles sighed and glanced at the girls and Andrew. "I hope that whatever Buffy is doing she does it soon, because with another few minutes these girls are going to refuse to get back on that bus."

"Don't worry, Giles," Buffy said as she pushed through the doors. She raised her voice and said, "If they don't want to leave soon that means we don't have to share the bags of junk food currently residing on the back seat." 

I had never seen so many girls- and one boy- empty a café so fast. In less than twenty seconds all that remained was several empty glasses. Faith and Wood exited the bathroom, both smiling smugly and holding hands. 

I raised my eyebrows. Faith...holding hands? With a guy? One guy? I think she took the new beginnings to heart. I was happy that she finally found something solid and stable, something that I knew she had always craved but been too scared to go after. Well, I was happy for them.

As I hopped on the bus, I saw that the girls had gathered at the back. Dawn and Buffy held up a blue sheet, blocking the girls from view, and tied it to the windows. Buffy threw me a bag and I caught it as it hit me in the chest. 

"Get changed," she ordered. "You've got ten minutes."

I opened the bag and gazed at the contents stupidly.

"Pray, what has she done now?" Giles asked, and I could hear the helplessness in his voice. 

"You don't want to know," I replied. "You don't want to know."

Five minutes later, after many squeals, giggles and chatter, Buffy emerged from behind the sheet. Giles, Andrew, Robin and I were already changed and she came out, dressed in an old fashioned green dress that reminded me of the bewitched pink one she wore for Halloween those many years ago. As usual, she looked stunning, if not completely insane. 

"Everyone ready?" 

There was a chorus of 'yes' then the drape was removed. There was a moment of silence before the bus erupted into hysterical laughter. 

The girls were dressed in an assortment of outfits. Dawn, I saw with amusement, was draped in a bright red shawl, a floral print ankle length skirt, an orange head wrap and wore large golden hoops on her ears. She was the perfect picture of an old-fashioned gypsy. Faith was wearing a short hot-pink skirt and a black strapless top. Her hair was tied on the side and her legs were wrapped in leg warmers. 

The other girls wore dresses, skirts and tops of all shape, sizes and color, and the overall effect was extremely bright. 

I looked at Andrew, dressed in a wizard's robe and hat, then at Giles' Men in Black rendition, complete with sunglasses. Robin looked hilarious in his sailor's suit and I saw Faith's eyes widen with appreciation, just as his did when he saw her. 

Willow sauntered over to me in her Barbie outfit, which consisted of a swish pink skirt, a cute pink top and a large pink hat with a huge flower perched on top.

"Who are you meant to be?"

"Well, Barbie," I said, grabbing her hand and twirling her around. "I'm the Xander Harris of 1994. Don't you remember me?"

She glanced at my outfit and blinked, then burst out laughing. My green and yellow Hawaiian shirt was huge and dangled over my orange pants. It was nearly the replica of an outfit I had worn to school on the first day of high school. From that day onward, my social status had been doomed. 

Buffy jumped into the driver's seat and reached beneath it. She pulled out a bottle of champagne and a box of wineglasses. 

"Today we are going to celebrate!" she yelled. "So, welcome to the official Scooby Bus Party!" 

There was a huge cheer and the radio was turned on. Once everyone had a glass of champagne- including Dawn and the minors, on the basis that it was there _only _one- the dancing began. Buffy remained in the front and pulled the bus onto the road, which had me worried for the first few minutes, but after having a few more glasses of champagne promptly forgot about. 

It felt good to just dance and forget that we had just stopped an apocalypse. I found myself surrounded by a bunch of teenagers, and laughed cheerfully as I was persuaded to do the Snoopy dance. It elicited more laughs and I finally slumped into a seat, tired out. I glanced at Buffy, who kept sneaking looks over her should and laughing with the others. 

She was the most unselfish, noble woman I have ever met, and ever will. She has given everything she had, even her life, for others, and now, after being beaten down time after time, she had risen again and thrown a party. A party to help the others move on, to help the others realize that life would keep going. And she just sat at the front of the group, driving us forward and closer to the rest of our lives.

A true hero.

And suddenly, I know what I was meant for. Caleb had said that I was the one who saw everything, and that's what I was going to do. I was going to find the Slayers, the ones who had been called with Willow's spell, and I was going to help them, watch over them. I was going to get them through the hardships and pain that come with slaying, and I would make their job a bit easier. 

My future didn't seem so bleak anymore. I had a purpose, a goal in life, and again I'm hit with the realization that my purpose had been with me the whole time. I had always helped Buffy, and I was going to help others just like her.

I was going to give them something no other Slayer before Buffy had ever had. I was going to give them the hope of living. 

* * *

I started the engine and watched them through the rearview mirror. I smiled, happy that they had all enjoyed my surprise. I had thought of it as soon as I realized that we could stop in the next town, and I had been experiencing overwhelming feelings of celebrating since our victory. Hence, the absolute insane party that was currently raging in the yellow school bus. 

I heard Dawn laugh and turned around to see Xander twirl her around. It was an unusual sight; Dawn was happy and carefree, and Xander was genuinely enjoying himself. Since the accident with Caleb, he had been trying too hard to act as his normal, dopey, joking self. However, I could see, as I'm sure everyone could, that it was only an act. To see him doing the Snoopy dance, surrounded by the others, made another smile pull at my lips.

I had smiled more in the last few hours than in the last few years. It was hard to believe that only a few hours ago we had been fighting for our lives, when we were dancing and partying like there was no tomorrow. Again, I smiled at the thought that there _would_ be a tomorrow, and I planned on sleeping through it. 

A shiver passed through my body as I thought of sleeping in Angel's hotel. I instantly disregarded that line of thought because I knew that it would lead to sleeping in Angel's room, then sleeping beside Angel, then not even sleeping at all... No, I stopped my thoughts before they reached a point of no return.

I forced my focus back to the road and felt a small twinge of pride at how much I had improved my driving skills. I knew that it was mainly thanks to the lack of a scary evil looking over my shoulder, and I was no longer worried about protecting my friends. Because they weren't in danger anymore, and I intended to keep it that way.

Well, for a week, at least.

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Please review! Next chapter- Cordelia. 


	4. Cordelia

Chapter 2- Cordelia

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"Nobody else here baby no one else here to blame   
No one to point the finger...  
It's just you and me and the rain   
Nobody made you do it, no one put words in your mouth   
Nobody here taking orders when love took a train heading south..."

I knew that voice. It was familiar; the sweet, melodious tune that rolled off his tongue. The song was so beautiful and harmonious that I felt the hairs stand erect on the back of my neck. I allowed the singing to surround me, engulfing my mind in its smooth melody.

Lorne.

I could recognize his voice anywhere. Why was he singing to me? He only ever sang when he was performing, preferring to hum instead. His voice was angelic and the lyrics...

Oh, God. 

He was singing it to me, _for_ me. Images of blood, destruction and death assaulted me, flying through my mind as if somebody had flipped the switch of a slide show and I couldn't turn it off. Doyle kissing me and giving me the visions; Connor's birth and his return; the Beast and his destructive ways; my night with Connor, and the conception of...whatever my child was. 

Oh, God.

My eyes flew open as a cry escaped my lips and through the tears that marred my vision I saw Lorne jump in shock. His eyes widened in surprise and his lips formed the shape of a small 'o'. Almost immediately his expression was one of pure joy and happiness.

"Cordelia, honey!" he exclaimed. "You're awake! This is amazing...How are you, sugar-lips?" His eyes narrowed and he hurried forward, wrapped his arms around my neck and lifted me into a tight hug. I remained still, confused to why I could feel the relief coming off him in waves.

Why was he relieved that I was awake? Why wasn't he running away and screaming? Why was he even touching me?

A strangled cry bubbled from my mouth and I forcefully pushed him away from me. Tears fell from my eyes and tumbled down my cheeks, but I paid them no heed. I struggled to breathe, inhaling sharp, short breaths that gave me no oxygen. I began to shake uncontrollably, my skin itching horribly.

I saw Lorne run from the room and felt my breathing begin to speed. He was scared of me and he did hate me, _loathed_ me even. And if he detested me, he hadn't forgiven me. And that meant the others hadn't either.

Oh, God.

Angel. Fred. Gunn. Wesley. Connor. How much had I hurt them? I had manipulated them, played them against each other and tried to kill them. How could they look at me ever again? I curled myself into a ball and pulled my knees up under my chin. The sobs began to come louder and more frequent. This was the story of my life.

Cordelia Chase, a complete screw up. I was a terrible child who threw tantrums whenever I didn't get the dolls I wanted. A smart-ass teenager who bought tops but threw them away after I'd worn them once. I was a bitchy senior who couldn't keep friends or boyfriends if my life depended on it. A hopeless actress who couldn't even score the simplest advertising job. I used to be the helpful seer to a Champion. And now...I was a lonely woman, turned evil by my child, turned against my friends, and...Nothing. I can't remember anything past the birth of my child.

The ritual I completed to bring forth my labor filled my mind's eye, and I squeezed my eyes shut in a futile attempt to block it out. The poor girl I killed- killed heartlessly- was indented into the back of my head, her frightened eyes crying out for mercy, and her lifeless body dropping to the ground after I had convinced Connor to kill her. 

Connor. How could I hurt him so much? After all the work Angel had done to improve the relationship between them, I had undone it all in a single night. I had known the second after our lovemaking- if that's what you would call it- that something was wrong. After that, everything is a haze of images and words that I don't remember saying, but somehow know that I did say. 

What did I become? I was there the whole time, but I couldn't get through. I watched everything I did, every mistake they made, and I had no say in anything. I was a spectator of my own life, and I watched it become worse and worse. 

Lorne came back in, his worry obvious in his uneasy stance. He settled himself on the edge of his bed.

"Cordelia," he said in his singsong voice. "Welcome back. We've missed you heaps, honey."

I shot up and shook my head quickly, refusing to believe it. 

"N-no," I croak, my voice cracking from the lack of use. "No."

"What, Delia, sweet-cheeks? Tell me what's wrong!"

I shook my head again, shrinking back from his outreached hand. His eyes narrowed in confusion, and he dropped his hand to the bed cover. 

"Don't worry, Cordelia," he soothed. "Angel and the gang will be back soon. That is, if Wes doesn't drive off the road in his hurry to get here. But I'm sure they'll be fine, sleeping beauty."

I screamed. And screamed, and screamed until I could scream no more. I couldn't see them, couldn't let them look at me with hatred. I didn't want to feel the way Angel had felt when we discovered his past deeds. How it felt for people to look at you as less than human, as dirt beneath their feet. I was terrified of how they might forgive me with their words, but not extend it to their heart.

I remained cowered in the corner of the large bed. I was in the same position when I heard the entrance doors to the hotel bang shut and the thudding of their footsteps along the corridor, and the collective gasp when they entered my room and saw me. 

I forced myself to meet their eyes, expecting the hard, cold gazes of the people who used to be my friends, who used to be my family. And met eyes filled with hope, delight and relief. 

"Cordy," Angel breathed, breaking the tense silence that had filled the room.

There was a squeal of delight and Fred leapt onto me, wrapping me in her tiny body. I stiffened, drawing in a sharp breath as she continued to embrace me. Angel knelt beside my bed and picked up my hand, holding it so firmly that I thought it might bruise. Wesley and Gunn stood at the end of my bed beside Lorne, smiling happily. 

"No!" I shrieked, startling Fred and stunning the others. I scrambled from the bed and cowered in the corner of the room. "No, you can't! Y-you can't..." My voice dropped to a whisper and fresh tears fell down my cheeks.

"Can't, what?" Angel asked gently, slowly inching towards me. I was shaking again, but I couldn't stop.

"Can't forgive me," I whispered in reply, hating how meek and small my voice sounded.

The silence was deafening and I waited for one of them to say it. To say that they didn't forgive me and never would. I didn't deserve their forgiveness and friendship, their concern or worry. I deserved to be kicked out on the curb, maybe sent back to the hell from which I came- Sunnydale.

Why wouldn't they speak? Say something? Yell, scream and blame me for their troubles? _I did it! _I wanted to scream at them. _I killed people, and I nearly killed you! _How can they just stare? 

"Cordelia," Wesley said. "That isn't even an issue. We don't forgive you."

We... don't... forgive... you... 

Those four words each sliced a hole in my heart, cutting it away bit by bit. 

"Because there's nothing to forgive," he continued.

Wait, what?

"It wasn't you, Cordelia. You may have been in that body somewhere, but it wasn't you. You had no control, no chance to stop the evil that was inside you. We don't blame you."

They don't blame me? Then why do I blame myself?

Angel quietly asked the others to leave, which they did hesitantly, and he shut the door behind them. Turning around slowly, he gazed at me with what looked like understanding. I knew that he knew what it was like to do something without being in control, to know that people had died by your hand. It was a pain that few had experienced, and, being one of those few, it was the last thing in the world I would wish on another person. 

"Cordy," he began, helplessly holding out his hand to me.

"Don't," I whispered. "It won't help."

"I know," he replied softly, and I heard the sincerity in his voice. I raised my eyes to meet his.

"W-when I saw what you-Angelus- had done, I thought I would never be able to look at you the same." I laughed bitterly. "I never thought I would do the exact same thing."

"You didn't," he responded persistently. "What you did...it was nothing compared to what I have done."

"Yes, it was," I said, still edging away from him. "Because I was human when I did it. I could have fought it..."

"No, you couldn't!" he protested, striding forward and grasping my shoulders with his hands. He forced me to look into his eyes. "You couldn't," he repeated softly. 

"But..."

"No, Cordy. It wasn't your fault, so please stop it. Stop blaming yourself."

I refused to believe him. I had done so much damage, caused so much pain. "But Connor, what I did to him..."

* * *

I drew in a sharp breath, staring at my Seer in horror. How? How could she remember him? She wasn't supposed to remember him. No one was, except for me. Yet here she was, talking about him like he was still in my life, still my son. Why did it still hurt so much?

I pulled her into a gentle hug, sat her on the bed and proceeded to tell her everything that had happened after Jasmine's birth. I saw the pain and guilt I caused her, but she needed to hear it and I knew that it was better for her to know now, rather than by some accidental remark later. She deserved to hear it from me, and she deserved the truth.

It all spilled from my lips, my feelings, my thoughts and my pain. I couldn't stop and I found myself revealing everything to Cordelia. She sat beside me, motionless and silent, and waited for me to finish. Once I trailed off there was a moment of silence and then she began to talk. She spoke of everything that came to her mind, and I listened without interrupting. I was amazed at how easy it was to just sit and listen to her, and I found myself feeling slightly better. 

We spoke about Connor, and agreed to have Lorne perform the spell that would erase him from our memories. At first I bluntly refused, but Cordelia, having been close to Connor first as a mother and then as a lover, persuaded me to let him go. He deserved a life of normality and if I still remembered him and watched over him, hanging over his shoulder at every corner in his life, then he would always be in danger. 

It nearly killed me, but I agreed. Once more I had to walk away from true happiness so that, like Buffy, Connor would be safe. Safe from the life that no one should lead, and safe from me. 

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Please review! Next chapter- Giles


	5. Giles

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Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and another big thank you must go out to my excellent beta-reader, Rylee. Check out her story 'The Wrong Side of the Line'. It's brilliant. Anyway, enough plugging, and on with the story.

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Chapter 5- Giles

It's remarkable, really. Only a few hours ago a group of people hid their fears and put on a brave face to walk into what may be their last battle. For many it was a first, but for some, well, it was just another year, another apocalypse to avert. And avert it we did. 

And now, lesser in numbers, that same group was dressed in bizarre costumes, celebrating the fact that they were still alive. Some were also mourning for ones left behind, putting on a brave face for those who had not lost anyone they had loved. Others were dancing like there was no tomorrow, and a few were sitting quietly, just plain relieved that they were still breathing. 

I, sitting at the very back of the bus, watching over the people who had become my family, was none of those. One minute an unbelievable amount of happiness came over me, only to be pushed back seconds later by waves of grief for the people who had died. Sometimes, I felt relief that it was all over, and the next I felt confused and anxious about the future. I knew that it wasn't going to be the last battle my family and I would fight, but I knew it was the last we would fight alone. And strangely enough, I felt it to be a loss.

As I sat alone, my emotions continued to revolve, and after tossinga considerable amount of champagne down the hatch, I found myself lurching forward unsteadily. 

"Whoa, Giles. You've got to learn that, just because you're English, it doesn't mean you can't be affected by the wonderful side affects of alcohol."

"Thanks for the enlightening advice, Xander," I replied testily, slightly bothered by being out-drank by a twenty-two year old. He sat down beside me, gripping a nearly empty champagne bottle and topped my glass. 

"No problem. What're you doing back here all by your lonesome?" 

"Watching," I replied, waiting for the remark that I knew was coming as soon as I answered.

"Well, at least you're doing your job properly," he said, snorting as he took another sip and causing me to wince. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't forget the Xander of old. It was certainly due to the fact that the Xander of old was still there, just under the surface of the older and wiser construction worker. Just like the shy, meek Willow of seven years ago was always there. 

"What happens now?" he asked me quietly, and I didn't need to ask him what he meant. 

"Well, there are a lot of confused, frightened young girls out there, unaware of what power they have. Someone needs to look after them, so I was thinking of rebuilding the Council. We can never regain the material and resources lost, but I suppose we have to start somewhere."

Xander was silent for a moment, then he nodded. "I'd like to help you."

I was dumbfounded. I had thought that Xander would always stay with Buffy, or at least continue working in construction, but I had never imagined that he would wish to help rebuild something that he had hated so much.

"You would like to help?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"I thought about it when I was dancing and I've decided I wanted to help other girls like Buffy. You said yourself that there are many out there confused and unaware of what they are. You remember what Caleb said? He told me that I saw everything that went on, and he was right. These girls need someone to see them for who they are and to understand what they're going through. And who better to do that than the Slayer's right hand man?"

I pondered his speech for a moment, suddenly glad for his decision. 

"Do you think you could find them all?" I asked him.

He grinned back. "If you taught me to read a map," he replied, causing me to choke as I took a sip. "Joking, old man, just joking."

I knew that.

"I'm going to try, anyway," he continued, watching Dawn and Willow do a shimmy that reminded me of Anya. I remembered that she had loved dancing, and I felt a gut-wrenching sensation of pain at the thought of the straightforward ex-demon. "What I'd like to know is what we're going to do with them all."

I smiled. I had already thought it all out, and had been waiting to tell someone about it, mainly to see if I had finally lost my mind. 

"I plan on teaching apprentice Watchers for the new Slayers." He stared at me blankly and I continued hastily. "Don't worry, these will not be like the Watchers of old. More like..."

"You?"

Yes, me. As I thought over it, I realized that I was indeed very different from past Watchers. Unable to control my Slayer and unable to prevent myself from loving her, I had broken nearly every rule in the Watcher's guide, if there had ever been one. And I wouldn't do a thing differently if I had been given the chance. 

"Yes. And I plan on training the Slayers, under the pretense of a gym or something, and then sending them out with their Watchers. I would never drag them away from their families; there would be no need to. And I was actually planning to ask Faith if she would take charge of the training part. She needs some stability, and with Wood helping me, I'm sure she would have no qualms. All I needed was for a way to find these girls, but it seems the answer has come to me."

Xander was silent for a moment, and raised the glass to his lips. Placing the empty glass on the seat, he turned to face me. 

"You've got it all planned out, don't you?"

"Yes, I have, actually." 

"I reckon it could work," he said slowly.

"You do?" I asked in surprise. Wood had been skeptical at first, until I had managed to warm him to the idea. 

"Definitely." He stood up and lifted his glass. "But I better get paid..."

He walked down the aisle, leaving me sputtering in disbelief. He shot a smile over his shoulder and I realized that he was only joking. Of course, I should have known. I rolled my eyes and stood, intending to speak with another of my 'children'. 

"Buffy," I said, placing my hand on the driver's seat.

"Oh, Giles!" She glanced around quickly, then back to the road. "Enjoying yourself?"

"Very," I replied, surprised that he bus wasn't swerving from side to side. She had definitely improved.

"Good."

"Buffy, are you all right?"

She did not speak for a moment, but I saw the uncertainty flit through her eyes in the mirror. 

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Spike, for one." I hated to say it, but it needed to be said. Sure enough, her eyes filled with pain and regret.

"W-what about him?" she asked carefully.

"He was a champion, Buffy." She nearly drove off the road in surprise, and there were a few complaining groans from the back. 

"Huh?"

"He died to save the world, and he sacrificed himself. He did some...bad things in his life, but none of that matters anymore. Maybe I should have seen that when you and him were...uh, together, but I didn't and I'm sorry. Maybe you could have had a chance to love him."

She straightened the bus and gave me a thoughtful glance. 

"That is you, isn't it Giles?" she said jokingly. "There's no body-snatching demon I should know about?" 

I chuckled and went to remove my glasses, once more reminding myself that I no longer had them. "No, I can assure you that I'm Giles."

"Then what's with the 'all hail Spike'? If I remember correctly, you were the one who tried to kill him."

I winced at that memory, but didn't reply straight away. Instead, I sighed and rested against the dashboard. 

"I'm just saying that all I want is for you to be happy, and if that includes you loving someone that isn't exactly who I would wish for you, then I would still approve. If he made you happy, I wouldn't have any reason not to."

She was silent, so I took that as consent to go on. "I know that all your pain is not over, and it probably never will be. That's why I don't want you to live with regrets, knowing that you could have had something but didn't go for it because you were worried about what everyone else thought."

"Thank you," she whispered softly, and I noticed with surprise that she had tears in her eyes. Obviously she had taken my words to heart, something that didn't happen very often, and it gladdened me that I could still be of some use and offer good advice. 

That was what I was for, wasn't it? To watch over my Slayer. To give her advice and guide her through the hard times. To be a shoulder for her to cry on, to be the level-headed one when she was angry. To be there for her. To watch over her. 

To finally let her go.

* * *

I felt the tears spring into my eyes at his words. 

"Thank you," I whispered, grateful for his acceptance.

He nodded and disappeared down the bus. I heard what he meant, but didn't say. 

Angel. Giles wanted me to be happy, and he knew that Angel was the only one who could give me that. He was the only one who could make the rest of the world melt away. He was the only one who could make me smile- a real smile. He was the only one who, when he held me, made me feel like my skin was on fire. He was the only one I wanted.

Giles had seen that, and I was thankful. I had thought that after the incident with Spike that maybe I didn't need Gilesanymore. Maybe he was a part of the old Buffy, and with the new he wasn't needed. But I realized that I could not of been more wrong. He was a part of me and always would be. He was the father who hadn't abandoned me without coming back. He was the librarian when I needed knowledge. He was the teacher when I was the naive student. He was the guru when I needed advice. He was the logic and reason when I was the impatience and the irrationality.

He was always there. And I felt strangely glad that he always would be. 

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Please review! Next chapter- Gunn.


	6. Gunn

Chapter 6- Gunn

I collected my axe and began to clean it, wiping away the grime and dust that clung to it. I still couldn't get my head around it: Cordelia was awake. And she was the same old Cordelia; well, as normal as she could be considering everything that had happened to her. I had my doubts that she would ever wake, but carefully hid them from the others despite knowing that they had probably thought along the same lines. It was surreal to think that she was upstairs speaking, or more like singing, to Lorne.

I heard faint footsteps and glanced up to see Fred descend the stairs. She still took my breath away every time I looked at her. It was unfair that, after everything we had been through, I still loved her. Why was she so God damned beautiful?

I'm still trying to figure out what happened between her and Wesley. I knew that he had feelings toward her, maybe even loved her, but I never thought her eyes would stray. After that kiss, though, all I had were doubts. 

And now...

I watched her as she strolled over to the reception desk, swaying her bony hips and sashaying her tiny ass. She seemed jittery about something; there was an extra bounce in her step, and she kept leafing through the notebooks filled with the client's problems and sending quick glances at the steps. I lowered my eyes back to the axe, which was now so clean I could see my own reflection on it, and tried to force my thoughts away from the petite brunette that refused to leave my mind. How could someone so small be so powerful?

Angel suddenly appeared in front of me and scared the hell out of me. Someone should give him bells to wear as a warning. I dropped my weapon in surprise and opened my mouth to say some witty comment when I realized that he wasn't there anymore. 

I turned around to look for him, but I didn't need to look far. He was only a few feet away, talking to her. Fred. They were really close these days. I wasn't jealous- not much anyway- because I didn't think they were that close, as in wink-wink, nudge-nudge, wolf-whistle close. I don't think I've seen them apart for more than five minutes since we defeated Jasmine and destroyed world peace.

God, that sounds so fucking depressing. 

I couldn't take all the pondering any longer. I needed to do something or say something to break the tense silence. 

"Angel, man, how is she?" 

He turned around and shot me a rueful look. "I don't know. She's been through a lot; I have no idea what she's feeling at the moment. All I know is that it can't be good. I just hope Lorne can do or say something to make her feel better."

"Poor Cordy," Fred murmured, resting her elbows on the table and cupping her palms beneath her chin. 

"Poor Cordy is right," Lorne agreed, strolling down the stairs, an unreadable expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" Angel said alarmed, and hurried to the foot of the staircase. 

"Nothing, Angel cakes," he assured. "Wesley is with her now, but she just ain't exactly feeling cheery at the moment."

"Wonder why," I muttered, and immediately regretted it as three dirty looks came my way. The frustration and boredom that I had been feeling over the past weeks were starting to affect me, and I knew I needed some time away once Cordelia was fine. "Sorry, how is she?"

"She's harboring a fair amount of guilt." He shook his head sadly and sat down on the couch. "She only sang a few lines, but that was all I needed. Our 'Delia was there the whole time during the pregnancy, except she couldn't do anything. She watched her body steal Angel's soul, and listened to herself tell...I'm confused about this." He scrunched his brow, as though trying to figure it out.

"What?" Angel asked curiously.

"She-well Jasmine- told someone to kill a young girl, and it was someone she loved. It's all foggy; I couldn't make it out, and neither could she."

They all shrugged and exchanged questioning glances, but no one knew what she was speaking about. 

"What can we do?" Fred asked, worry creasing her forehead. 

"I don't know, Fred." Lorne shrugged. "I'm coming up blank, so maybe it's Angel's department." Lorne, Fred and I all turned to face Angel, waiting for an answer.

He dropped his head and hunched his shoulders, assuming his typical brooding pose. "Nothing. The best we can do is to never leave her alone. Because when she's alone, that's when she'll have nightmares, and that's when she will picture everything she's done." He sighed. "Just make sure she's never alone."

I nodded, knowing that if that was what Angel had wanted then Cordelia needed the same. Angel was the king of guilty feelings, and he would most definitely know what lessened the pain. 

"I'll go see how Wes and Cordy are doing," I said, hurrying past Lorne and taking the steps two at a time. 

And as I ascended the stairs, I realized that it was over between us.

Some part of me would always love Fred, and I hope some part of her would always love me, but I could see that we could never be 'us'. Her eyes never followed me anymore; her body never moved closer to mine; her first thought when she woke up wasn't about me. 

It was over.

The finality of it was crushing but relieving at the same time. Some of the frustration and worry had been lifted off my shoulders, although most of it had been replaced with dejection. It was like I'd been spring-cleaned; emptied of all clutter and clean enough to start a fresh plate. I shook my head and smiled wryly at my own metaphors. I've been thinking way too much. 

I knocked softly on the door the led to Cordelia's room. The door opened after a slight moment and revealed Wesley, who gestured to the bed. I saw Cordelia asleep, curled in a ball, her breathing faint. I moved forward and sat on the end of the bed, gazing at the woman who had once held an inextinguishable fire, and was now confined to a fragile, guilt-ridden body and mind. 

How the mighty fall. It's no wonder I haven't fallen. Yet.

There's something I knew I needed to do- something that was long overdue. I couldn't blame him for what he had done to Fred, couldn't blame him for her feelings. 

"Wes," I begin, trying to decide the best way to say it. To hell with it, I finally decide. I was just going to say what was on my mind. 

"Yes?"

"I'm, ah, well..."

"Don't bother starting on me about Fred," he interrupted, cutting me off. I'm surprised, to say in the least, because that wasn't what I wanted to say. But since he brought it up...

"I wasn't, Wes, because I can't control her feelings any more than you can. You love who you love, and you can't change it just because it doesn't suit you."

I can't believe that came from my mouth. Did I really just say that? Man, I must be rationalizing more than I realized. 

Wesley seemed to think so too. "Did you come up with that by yourself?"

"Yeah," I replied. "Apocalypses do wonders for your outlook on life."

"Oh." He seemed to ponder what I said, and then suddenly stiffened. "What did you mean when you said you couldn't control her feelings?"

I sighed. This was just what I need at the moment- a reminder of Fred's wandering affection. "Are you blind, English? She's in love, and it's not me." My voice turned bitter, and I struggled to keep it under control. But I wasn't here to talk about Fred, so I continued before he could regain his voice. "Look, what I meant to say was that I'm sorry for the way I've been a treatin' ya, okay? I just..."

"It's quite all right," he replied, but he looked a bit dumbfounded at my apology. 

"Nah, it's not, man." I shook my head, leaning forward to lean my arms on my thighs. "I know you did some whacked things over the past year, but you were only tryin' to do right. And we treated you like shit for it."

"For good reasons." He stood up and walked to the door, pointing to Cordelia's sleeping form. "I'm fairly certain she will wake soon. I'm going to make some tea, would you like anything?"

"Nah, I'm good."

He nodded and left, shutting the door softly behind him. I glanced back at the brunette, wondering when I'd get the chance to be evil. Everyone else has had their day: Angel, Wesley, Cordelia...hell, even Fred tried to kill her professor. I know I did it, but I did it for her. So that doesn't make me evil, does it?

Hell if I know. The line between good and evil isn't exactly clear to me anymore, or maybe it ain't even there. 

I felt something vibrate against my leg and jumped, immediately feeling ashamed when I realized that my phone was ringing. I answered it and heard a familiar voice that I hadn't heard in months. It was a good friend from my old street gang, asking for my help getting rid of a nest of demons terrorizing their part of the city. I jumped at the chance to get out on the streets, fighting evil just for the sake of it, instead of doing it for money. I was aching for a good fight, itching for an opportunity to fight with my old gang. Just like old times.

I ran my thumb over Cordy's cheekbone, silently apologizing for leaving her alone. I slipped out just as Wesley was returning. I explained to him where I was going, and, after refusing his offer of help, I left through the back door. 

An hour later I was strolling home, smirking as I recollected a well-fought battle. It had felt good to be backed up by people who understood me, and it felt even better to watch their backs. It reminded me of the old days and I swore that I would help them out more often. I wasn't going to abandon Angel and the others; they were too important to me to be able to leave. But I needed more action that didn't involve some up-coming apocalypse.

I turned the corner, passing under a street lamp. As I did so, I heard a particularly loud roar that did not sound like something a human could produce. Still high strung from my earlier affray, I leapt into action, hurtling across the street and into an unlit park. I vaulted over a set of kid's seesaws and skidded to a halt when I saw the source of the noise. A brawny biker vamp was rushing towards a tall teenage kid who calmly watched him advance. He's crazy, I thought, before rushing to intervene. 

But there was no need. As soon as the biker vamp attacked, the boy ducked his fist and grabbed it, twisting it so that it snapped loudly. He pushed the vamp forward, shoving him to the ground with a swift kick to his lower back. He withdrew a stake and plunged it into the vamp's back, watching it explode into dust with a small smirk of satisfaction. I was god-damned stunned. 

"Who are you?" the boy asked sharply once he had noticed me watching him. 

"Who the hell are you?" I replied in amazement. "And how the hell did you know how to dust that vamp?"

The boy narrowed his eyes and straightened. "You know about vamps?"

"Yeah. I hunt them. How did you know about them?"

He dropped his head, but not before I saw the pain flash through them. "My family...they were all killed. I came home to find three of them drinking from my sister. I-I killed them all...but it was too late."

I felt a pang of grief as I remembered my own sister, turned into a vampire before I could stop it. 

"Who are you?" I repeated slowly.

The boy hesitated, then met my eyes. "Connor."

* * *

I heard Gunn leave through the back door, but did not reveal the fact to Fred. I knew he wanted some time out, some time away from the weirdness and heartache that had been our lives over the past year. He was restless, and he deserved a break. So I gave it to him, and said nothing.

I felt something like remorse as I thought of the bridge that had come between him and Fred. They had been so happy, so carefree, and that had only been a few months ago. Where was that love now? I could not remember when the cracks had started to appear, and found myself wondering what had caused them.

I heard Gunn leave through the back door, but did not reveal the fact to Fred. I knew he wanted some time out, some time away from the weirdness and heartache that had been our lives over the past year. He was restless, and he deserved a break. So I gave it to him, and said nothing. 

Fred remained oblivious to the love, the rivalry and heartbreak that she was the cause of.

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Did I mention I love reviews? ;)


	7. Dawn

Chapter 7- Dawn

I was somewhat relieved when the music was turned down and I was allowed to flop onto a seat, finally raising my sore feet off the floor. My breathing was labored and my skirt was sticking to my legs, damp with sweat. I poked my head over the top of the seat and saw Xander slouch past and sit beside Giles. 

It hurt to think about Anya. She was such a bubbly, lively person. She wanted to live, and she gave everything- even too much information- to try and fit in with the rest of us. She just wanted to be human and I don't think anything could have squashed the life from her smile when she was happy. 

She didn't deserve to die. No one did. But it was over. And I was alive. And so was Buffy. Life was beginning to look a lot brighter. I glanced up when I heard my name called. Buffy slid into the seat beside me after I removed my feet, saying that Giles had offered to take over driving.

"So you may as well get comfortable," she said. "Because we won't get there until tomorrow." 

I laughed, glad to see her joking like she did before we came to Sunnydale. Back then she had always been laughing and joking, although most of it was to impress her friends or potential boyfriends. But sometimes I had slipped into her room after mom and dad had gone to bed, and we would stay up late talking about everything and anything. Those memories would have been treasured, if they had been real. But they weren't; they were just a slide show of pictures and sounds and feelings that I had never experienced, but had been placed into my mind. My mind, and everyone else's. 

It didn't hurt to think about that much anymore. I realized now that I was a real human being. I could bleed and cry and feel pain just like everyone else. Despite being three years old (it was kind of funny when you thought about it) I knew I was real. And that was mainly thanks to Spike. 

If it wasn't for his awkward comforting I don't think I would have made it through those few months. He had helped me through the pain, the confusion and the bitterness. I know I should have spoken to Buffy about what I had been feeling, but with trying to discover what I was and what Glory was going to do, I hadn't felt that she needed the excess worry. So, it had been Spike I turned to. 

Spike. I still hadn't digested it yet. I still couldn't believe that he was gone...forever. He wasn't gone for a few months, like the summer after Tara's death, but forever. Like forever-ever.

"What are you thinking about?" Buffy asked me, and I realized I had been chewing my lip like I always do when I think. 

"Spike," I replied, feeling the tears welling in the corners of my eyes. 

"Oh, Dawnie." She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I rested my head on her shoulder and released the tears, letting them stream down my cheeks silently. "Shhh," she hushed. "It's okay, Dawn, he's okay."

"D-do you think," I choked out. "That he went t-to Hell?"

I could feel her shake her head vehemently. "No, Dawn. Do you really think the Powers That Be would send their champion to Hell? After he saved the world?" 

I shook my head slowly, allowing her to stroke my hair. "N-No."

"Exactly. He might- he _is _in Heaven, and he's happy. He's probably up there now, watching you and shaking his head saying, 'Bloody Nibblet, I saved the world for her and she repays me by spending her life soddin' crying'."

I made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob when Buffy converted into an English accent that sounded exactly like Spike. I felt a tiny bit better at the concept of Spike being in Heaven.

"And he's probably been arguing with whoever is listening about being forced to wear white," Buffy continued with a small chuckle, "Can you imagine it? Spike wearing white?"

I smiled and closed my eyes as I sank further into Buffy's embrace. It was a funny picture, and I felt a warm flush flow through me at the thought of Spike arguing with his curses and pet names. I used to love hearing his voice, listening to him speak of nights that he had had with Dru. They were often scary and usually gruesome tales of his adventures, but I hadn't cared about the material. I had only cared about the fact that he treated me as an equal, not as a fragile teenage girl. 

And then Glory had gotten to him, because she thought that he had been the key. He had been tortured to an inch of his un-life because Glory had thought that he was the key. All because of me. That was when the feelings of guilt had begun, and they had become stronger and more painful every day. And then Buffy had died. She had died to protect me and let me live a life that shouldn't have even been mine. 

I shook my head to clear my mind of the gloomy musings. That part of my life was over, and now all I had ahead of me was the rest of my life. I knew that it wouldn't be normal, my life would _never _be normal, but at least it looked a lot brighter than it did a year ago. There was one thing I needed to know before I could let go of the past though, so I asked her. 

"Buffy, did you love him?"

She was silent and I wasn't sure if she would answer. I felt her body tense, and then relax as she sighed. 

"Yes, I did," she answered finally. "I did love him, Dawnie. I don't think it was...real love, but it was close. Maybe if he hadn't...no. This was how it was meant to be. Yeah I loved him and he loved me, I know that now. But us, it was never meant to be. You know I tried, right?"

I pushed myself out of Buffy's embrace and straightened, gripping her arms tightly in my fingers. "Of course I do. I saw how you treated him sometimes, like he was one of the Scoobies. He appreciated it, Buffy, he did."

Buffy nodded uncertainly. "I-I told him before he died that I loved him. He said he didn't believe me. Do you think...?"

"Yes," I replied firmly, wiping away the tears from my cheek. "Yes, he knows."

"Thanks."

We sat there, hugging, for another few minutes, but then she excused herself to speak with Willow. I watched her go, thankful that she had put my mind to rest about Spike's fate. I should never have doubted that he would make his way into Heaven. He was just too stubborn to settle for anything less.

I found my thoughts wandering back to the last conversation I had held with him. Just moments before everyone had crammed into the bus, he had pulled me aside, and we had sat on our front porch while he smoked his last cigarette. 

"You know not all of us will make it, don't 'ya Nibblet?" he had said, exhaling smoke into the crisp morning air. I had nodded in response, not trusting my voice to speak. 

He had sent me a sad smile. "If I don't make it..."

"You will!" I had interrupted. "Don't say such things!"

"If I don't, I want you to know that I love you." He had avoided meeting my gaze and stared straight ahead. "You were the first to worm yourself into my unbeating heart. You were like the little sister I never had during those times, and....and I want to say thanks. God, I sound like a soddin' ponce."

"Spike, I don't want to say goodbye..."

He had grabbed me forcefully by the arms and stood up, dragging me with him. "But you will have to, Dawn, 'cause it's not bloody likely that I'm gonna survive today. Don't say anything. Just remember me as the Big Bad whenever you think of bringing a boyfriend home. I'll be straight back here, haunting his ass away from you, right?"

I had laughed and he had unexpectedly pulled me into a tight hug. It had been Xander who had interrupted us, saying that it was time to go. That had been the last time I had touched him. And I hoped he hadn't been serious about the boyfriend thing, because that could become an issue. 

I feel asleep, thinking of his last words.

"If you ever have to make a life altering decision, just do the opposite of what I would have done. You'll thank me for it."

* * *

I knew Dawn would take Spike's death hard, but I also knew that she was strong. She would remember him until the day she took her last breath, and I wouldn't want anything else. 

She's sleeping now, and I know that she is dreaming of him. I see her smile softly and I can't help but wonder what made her do so. Maybe it was the memory of one of Spike's witty retorts or a memory of before he was chipped. I remembered the night when he came to me with an offer of help to stop Angelus. Dawn had been hiding on the stairs, listening avidly to our conversation. 

She hadn't even asked about being the Slayer that night when Spike had left. Spike had been the only thing she was concerned about. I recalled her eager questions about who the 'yummy rock star' in the living room was. After that night she had followed me around with nagging questions about when the blonde dude would be visiting. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he was a cold, heartless vampire. And thank God I didn't, because I know that I would have regretted it now. 

He was a hero. My champion. 

And as I slid into the seat beside Willow, I felt my heart jump at the thought of seeing another champion- the world's champion- soon. Very soon.

I pushed the thought from my mind and lowered my head only inches from Willow's. Then I told her of my plan.

* * *

__

Next chapter- Fred


	8. Fred

_Chapter dedicated to Imzadi, for waiting patiently for a certain cameo ;)_

Chapter 4- Fred

I reluctantly lifted my head from Angel's shoulder, and noticed that Gunn was gone. I hadn't even notice him leave. I remembered a time when I had always noticed him; where he was, what he was doing, whom he was with. Why do those things change? It felt weird to not feel the spark between us, making my heart beat faster when he was around and my head spin when he gazed at me with love and adoration.

I shook my head sadly and turned to watch Lorne and Angel speak.

Angel was the one person I don't think I will ever unravel. I don't think anyone ever will. He was a man, or vampire, brimming with contradictions and paradoxes. He could act cheerful, but beneath he was still sorrowing. He could laugh, but inside he would scream. He would finally be at peace and have it all taken away from him. But he kept trying, kept going, even when I had long ago given up hope. As corny as it sounded, Angel was a man on a mission, and nothing could take his vision of the future. 

Future. What does that word sound so unreal these days? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I could be dead tomorrow, or maybe because if I do live past tomorrow I have no idea what will happen. It's scary. Moreover, I know that for Angel, it would be far scarier.

Having been alive for centuries, and suddenly realizing that maybe one day he could be human, Angel's future looked much more hazy than mine. He could shansu tomorrow and live the rest of his days as a human, or he could live for another three hundred years as a vampire, only to turn human when all those he loved had already died. 

He looked at me and I realized that I had been staring. I quickly diverted my gaze, embarrassed at being caught. I knew that he could sense my embarrassment, and I felt a warm flush creep up my neck. I hurried back to the reception desk, trying to busy myself with filing the cases we had already taken care of.

I loved the close friendship we had formed over the past few weeks. He had become the older brother I had always wanted but never had, and I know he thought of me as his sister. We spoke often, mostly about nothing, or this and that, but sometimes our conversations turned into deep, emotional reminiscing. He had told me about his relationship with Buffy, and I couldn't help but be shocked at how painful the topic was for him. After all the time, and the feelings he had harbored for Cordelia, I was amazed at how deep his love still ran for her. It was obvious; his eyes told of oceans of love, pain, and guilt when he spoke of the years he had with her. 

He had been noble in his intentions, but I couldn't help but think that he may have been much happier with her. I knew it was hard on both of them, and that his leaving was for the best, but why didn't he realize that he could have been there for her over the years? That he could have watched her blossom into a woman, and grown as a person? After spending years in a demon dimension I had come to hate the way people waste the years they have.

In return I had told him what I felt while I was in Pylea, and a few stories of my childhood, most of which ended up with Angel in stitches. It was unusual to see Angel laugh, and I had been happy to make him laugh lightheartedly. 

What I never told him though- never even breathed a word of- were my ebbing feelings towards Gunn, and flourishing likening for another certain someone. I was only just admitting it to myself, and I couldn't bear the thought of revealing it to anyone else. 

Without realizing it, my thoughts had wandered to a kiss. A completely unexpected, but not unpleasant kiss. At first, I had just written my feelings off as being grateful for a wonderful distraction to the tension and stress that had filled the days of the Beast's reign. It had been a powerful, frantic kiss that replaced every soft kiss every placed on my lips. 

Everyday my turmoil grew stronger, and despite desperately trying to deny it, these feelings wouldn't be quenched. Why was everything so hard?

"You can't choose them, honey."

I whirled around in shock, gripping the counter behind me. Lorne stood behind me, smirking into his glass of vodka. 

"W-what?" I stammered.

"Babe, I don't even need to read you," he replied with a shrug. "It's obvious you hold a candle for him."

"I d-don't know what you're talking about." I shook my head vigorously, avoiding his eyes. 

"Yes, you do. It's okay, honey, I can see why you would."

I took a deep breath and raised my eyes to his. I didn't expect him to gape and drop his glass, splashing the liquor on the smooth tiles. 

"Oh, wow, sorry about that," he apologized, dropping to his knee and collecting the shards of glass. I grabbed a towel from the drawer and knelt to mop up the mess. Lorne grabbed my arm mid wipe and I released my hold on the towel in surprise. I raised my head and met his eyes again.

"You really love him, don't you?" he asked, with a hint of surprise in his voice. "I mean, it's amazing. It's..."

I was completely floored. I knew what he was talking about, but why did he look surprised?  "It's what?"

"Real," he answered simply, as though it explained everything. 

"Huh?" I hadn't been expecting that. Sure, I knew I had feelings for him, but if Lorne was shocked by the depth of them then maybe even I hadn't realized how much he meant to me. 

"Your love for him...it's real. Like real, real. Not like you and Gunn, or Angel-face and Cordy. It's different. Does he know?" he asked gently.

"Know? W-who?" I stammered, still clinging to my hopeless denying. 

"Hmm, no need to deny it, honey," Lorne comments, still kneeling beside me on the floor. "But I think you're wrong."

I blinked. "Wrong?"

"He still loves you. He loved you more than life itself, and still does. He may not show it, but that's probably because after having his heart wrenched out he doesn't want to risk it happening again, which I completely understand...Oh honey, I'm not helping am I?"

"Uh, helping what?" I asked in a shrill voice, still futilely denying what Lorne already knew.  

"I can't believe I've never seen it." He shook his head in wonder.

"Seen what?"

"The love."

"There's no love..."

"Of course there is honey, I can see it, I know."

"Know what?" 

I glanced up at Angel, mortified at the thought that he had overheard our conversation.

"Know that...we definitely need to do some interior decorating in this place," Lorne covered hastily. "I mean, Angel-face, look at these walls; they haven't been updated since the twenties."

"Maybe..." he replied, a small smile playing on his lips.

I took Lorne's offered hand and he lifted me off the floor. I turned back to the filing I had previously been doing and focused on the job at hand, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the vampire's presence behind me.

He knew I was hiding something. He could always read me like a book, and I suppose in some ways it helped since I never had to explain my feelings to him. I only wished another someone could see how much I loved him.

I can't believe I just thought it. I can't believe I nearly said it. Now that I had though, I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I suddenly wanted to shout it aloud. 

"Wesley loves you, Fred," Lorne whispered in my ear as he passed. "Don't waste the love you have."

The front doors crashed open loudly, causing me to jump in alarm. Lorne had jumped as high as I had, dropping his second glass for the night. Angel's arm shot out to pull me behind him, and he positioned himself in front of me. 

I focused on the newcomer and saw a lean, dirty man stumble through the doors. His long brown hair showed hints of mud streaks, and blood was caked in his mouth.

The stranger raised his head and gazed out from beneath his filthy bangs. 

"Angel..." he uttered, and promptly collapsed on the hard ground.

"Oh, God," Angel murmured, a hint of disbelief in his voice.

"Angel?" I asked, unsure of what to do. "Who is he?"

Angel stared grimly at the fallen stranger. 

"Lindsey."

~~~

Wesley. She loved Wesley. I hadn't expected that, to say the least. Why...? When...? How could she fall in love with him after everything that he had done? After his betrayal? I remembered the look she had given him in the hospital, and how that complete disgust could turn into love so quickly was beyond me. Then again, how could a vampire love the Vampire Slayer? Love was not something you could choose. 

They did not know I could hear them, and I made sure it stayed that way. I couldn't comprehend how Gunn would feel when he discovered it. Pain. Betrayal. Resentment. I hoped Fred saw the pain she would cause him. I knew she would never intentionally hurt Gunn, although this revelation would nearly kill him. 

I decided to make my presence known before they discovered me, so I stepped into the lobby. Acting as though I had just overheard the end of their conversation, I asked Lorne what he knew. Fred stumbled over an answer and I felt sorry for making her squirm. 

The door burst open and a tattered figure stumbled into the lobby. Lindsey? I had received two shocks in less than two minutes. Any more and my heart was going to start beating. The onetime lawyer was a mere shadow of his former self, and the injuries evident on his disfigured body made me grimace. As I ran over to help my former antagonist I kept asking myself what in the world he was doing here.

  


_Please review! Next chapter- Faith. And in chapter 10 we get more of Lindsey( just for you, Imzadi)._


	9. Faith

Chapter 9- Faith

~~~

If you had told me six years ago that I would be saving the world, I would have laughed. If you had told me four years ago, I would have hit you. And if you had told me while I sat in jail, I would have killed you. But I did- at least, I helped. And it's the best feeling I've ever had.

Robin was sitting beside me, trying to be manly and not cry. I could tell he was in pain though. I mean, that cut on his stomach would sting like a bitch. And the bruises were no better. It kind of put a stop to my plans for him; there's not much fun in apologizing every time I hit a sore spot. So I'm holding out for a few days.

He's kinda' cute, now that I think of it. Robin's a man, not some try hard little boy thinking he is. He's got a job, he's got talents (some of which I've experienced) and he's got the appearance happening. Not to mention he knows about the Slayer deal, so that's an added bonus. The only thing that has me hesitating is that trust shit again. Could I trust him? Hell, there's no way I could know. There were so many people I thought I could trust, and that all went nowhere. All it got me was pain and hurt, so why should I bother? 

But it is bothering me, a whole freaking lot. I want to be able to put my trust in someone, and I want them to be able to rely on me. It's funny now that I think about it. I want someone to think that I'm reliable. Willow is reliable. Giles is reliable. I'm definitely _not _reliable_. I suppose that is just who I am. I can't just change overnight. I don't want to change. I want to grow up, and do things I never got a chance to do. I want to go places, see people, and learn. _

"Faith?"

I glance away from the window. Robin iss holding his side, wincing every time he shifts in the seat. 

"You trying to make me tie you down?" I joke. 

"Thought about it," he replies with a grin, causing a shiver of anticipation to rush down my spine.

"Stop moving. You'll wreck the bandaging."

He touches the bruise on his head, grimacing when he feels the raised lump. 

"Gonna be a shiner," I say.

"That's what I was afraid of." He lifts his arm and slings it over the seat. In a moment of need I snuggle closer. He grunts in surprise but does not say anything, and I'm grateful. 

"Faith, what is...this?" he asks

.

"Hmmm?" I murmur.

"Is this just a temporary comfort for you? Me, I mean. Is it anything? Is it going anywhere?"

Robin is the first guy to ask me what I think. He's also the first guy I had seen again after spending the night together. This was bad- I was out of control. 

"I-I...I don't know," I whisper. And it is true. I don't know. This is new ground for me. Everything is too new for me to know anything. I'm out of jail, and suddenly I'm faced with the possibility of actually having a future. I can be anything and do anything I want to. It is all up to me. Then there was the fact that I was making up for the bad things I'd done. I had done the time- well, most of it- for killing, and I had helped both Angel's crew and the Scoobies in the space of two weeks. The whole god damned thing is too new.

Robin wants to know if there is anything between us. Truthfully, I don't feel much at the moment. There are no real sparks or connections. I can't see myself growing old with him. But I have to start somewhere, and I like Robin. He is a great guy, and maybe if I give it a chance...

Maybe I will have my heart ripped out. Maybe I will have my trust throw away. Maybe I will... Maybe I will be okay.

I don't know, but I can try. It is the best I can offer him. He seems to accept my answer, and I watch him fall asleep before turning back to look out the window. The landscape is boring. A tree there, a rock there, a fucking huge crater in the middle of nowhere. I still can't believe that Sunnydale is gone. I had called Sunnydale a hole all those years ago, but I never knew how right I was. The importance of what we'd just done still hasn't settled in me yet. We've just saved the world. And it feels a lot better being on the winning side for once. 

We pass a gas station and a small café on the side of the road, and I find myself watching the other passengers. Buffy is sitting beside Dawn, hugging her little sister. She gets up and sits beside Will, whispering to her. The redhead nod and grabs that mad-looking Slayer weapon from Buffy, walking to the back of the bus looking somewhat nervous. Buffy has let her head roll back onto the back of the seat. Man, I can see the waves of relief coming from her. She is probably grateful that she had actually survived this apocalypse. I still can't believe she has died. Twice. And came back. Twice. She is one hell of a stubborn woman. I suppose that's why I've always wanted to be her, why I looked up to her. She never gave up. I've had my fair share of failings, but I don't think anything I've been through could come anywhere close to the things that girl has experienced. 

That's why she's better than I am. I can admit it now. No matter how difficult shit gets, Buffy just gets back up and heads straight into the game again. Me, well, I gave up. I was lonely and I fucked up bad and instead of getting help, I gave up. I switched sides because I didn't think B and her pals would have a chance. But they did, and they won. All because of her. Hell, I don't know how she does it. She died, for Christ's sake, and dealt with being pulled from the place I never believed in. Then she watched one of her friend's die and the other go crazy. She housed a shitload of annoying brats, trained them to be Slayers, kept them alive and then got kicked out of her own house for her efforts. But did strong-headed B throw in the towel? Nope. She entered that psycho's lair and stole the crucial weapon from him, alone, then saved me and a bunch of the ungrateful kids. 

She is one hell of a woman.

Xander is staring out the window, and I don't think I've ever seen him this put out. He seems lost, like he doesn't know what has happened, or what was going to happen. I feel a twinge of regret for Anya's death. That blonde was hilarious, I'll give her that. She was amazing. I had been surprised at her openness to strangers, but she was the only other person in that Summer's house- well, except for Spike- not afraid to say what she thought. She just came straight out and said it. No one told her off for doing it, which I guess is because there is only so many times you can say it. 

Thinking about Anya makee me think of Spike. I thought Angel is one of a kind, but it seems that souls are the new trend in vampire circles. Who would've thought the Peroxided Wonder had it in him? Dusting himself for a world that's given him nothing, all for the love of a Slayer who didn't love him. Good on him. Wish I had had the same courage, but then again, I wouldn't have gotten where I am today if life was as easy as wishing.

The bus lurches suddenly, and the engine gives a few short puffs then dies. Giles curses loudly from the front of the bus, and I shook my head with a silly grin. Good old Rupes has gone and stalled the bus. I'm about to call out some smart-ass remark when he shouts back that we've run out of gas. B offers to run back to the gas station we just passed and I'm not about to let her go without me. I hate driving, and I hate sitting on my backside doing nothing. She nods when I offer to come, and the two of us start jogging down the dusty road. I see it in the distance, a small smudge on the horizon.

Fifteen minutes later, we arrive at the gas station, dusty and sweaty. B asks a young, dirty boy where she can get more gas. He points to a dingy shed where a small hose is sticking out, and asks for ten bucks. B hands him the money and he hands her a bucket. Great service. It seemed like Buffy was never going to get the break she deserved. 

"You finally have the chance to stop slaying and you gotta go get more gas in the middle of nowhere," I tell her. "Doesn't seem fair, huh?" 

She smiles, and keeps looking forward. "Who said I would stop slaying?"

I am confused. "Huh? Why wouldn't you? You hate it, and now there's all these little try-hard Slayers running 'bout, you ain't got a reason."

She sighs and stops walking. "I realized something, Faith. If I hated it so much, why would all those girls love it? Sure, some of them would love to have all those powers, but eventually they're gonna end up dead. No girl deserves that. We were chosen to do something that's dangerous, hard and annoying, but we were chosen for a reason." She stopped and knelt to fill the container. "We were chosen because we could do it. If the world needed more people to risk their lives, they wouldn't bother having one girl. Or two. They would have an army. We are here to make sure every other girl who has the potential to become a Slayer doesn't become a Slayer until it's needed. This is what we were born to do, and I know I've fought destiny tooth and nail, but I hate the thought of placing all the shit that comes with it on someone else. I just won't."

We stand silently as I digest the news. 

"It's just you and me, Faith, you and me."

I grin and glance down at her, shaking my head. "Nope. It's just you, me, the Scooby Gang, your honey and his friends." 

She opens her mouth to reply but suddenly changes her mind and grins back. "You're right. We aren't alone."

"And I bet you can't wait to see Angel again," I tease. She blushes. "But seriously, B? Will's already done the spell. Those girls already are Slayers."

"Not anymore," she replied. "Will took it back. Those girls now know the power inside them. They 're special and they know it."

I am dumbfounded. "Will...took it back?" 

She straightens with the overflowing bucket of petrol. "She's the most powerful witch in this hemisphere, and you didn't think she could _undo _the spell, too? We are talking about the same person here?" 

"Yeah, 'kinda geeky, red hair, tried to end the world?"

"That's the one." We laugh. 

"You know," I say to her. "You must be the worst and best Slayer to ever be seen."

"Why do you say that?" she asks me.

"Well, you've died twice and won't stay dead. The Council hated you. You've had more than three Watchers. You haven't read the Slayer's hand guide, let alone followed it. But you saved the world seven times. And you changed it."

"No, I didn't." She looks up at the sky. "We all did."

We start walking back to the bus, and again my thoughts turn to the amazing woman beside me. I'm not going to go through the whole thing again though. I've said it once, and I'll say it one more time.

She is one hell of a woman.

Maybe one day, I'll be like her too.PRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=Unconverted Image" 

~~~

Faith looks shocked and I don't blame her. After all the whining and complaining I've done over the years, you'd think I'd be grateful to hand over the mantel. But I can't. There's something inside me that won't let me. Won't let me hand it over to another unsuspecting teenager. I've dealt with apocalypse after apocalypse, death after death, hurt after hurt, and yet, there's something holding me back from giving it all up. 

I think, to some degree, that the Slayer has become too intertwined with who I am, that it cannot be separated anymore. I am the Slayer; I can't simply stop what I do, what I am. I realize that I've just condemned myself to a life of pain and heartache, but I know I can do it. I've lived the past seven years in a hell of sorts, and the years to come may be the same, but I want to live. I want to live during the day with my friends and family, maybe find a job, and slay at night. I want to stop apocalypses so the world doesn't get pulled into hell. There are a lot of things I want to do now, actually.

I want to drink coffee in a café in the early afternoon with Will. I want to laugh with Xander. I want to help Dawn choose outfits for a night on the town. I want Giles to find someone he can love. I want Faith to have someone she can trust. I want Andrew to make up for the things he did. I want the potentials to have a normal life.

And I want Angel to love me.


	10. Angel

Chapter 10- Angel   
  


~~~   
  


Pulling myself from my thoughts I rushed to where Lindsey had fallen. I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him upright, noticing his unusually pallid face and the way his eyes rolled back into his head. I heaved him onto the couch and caught sight of the burns that covered his body.

"God…" I muttered, gesturing Fred over. "Go call an ambulance and grab some water from the kitchen."   
  


She nodded and left quickly, leaving me to investigate Lindsey's wounds. I was shocked to realize the extent of the injuries. It was enough to make me squirm. Cursing softly under my breath I began to peel his matted clothes away from his wounds. I was somewhat relieved that Lindsey wasn't conscious, because the pain would have been excruciating. I heard the others hurrying down the stairs, and noticed with surprise that I could smell Cordelia's scent. I hadn't expected her to leave her room for a long time yet, but I didn't question it when they surrounded us.   
  


"Dear God," Wesley breathed.   
  


"Well I'll trade my purple Armani suit," Lorne said, shaking his head in wonder.  __

"Holy crap," Cordelia declared, summarizing everyone's feelings at the time.   
  


Lindsey opened his eyes and looked straight into my own. He grabbed my shirt and clung to it tightly.   
  


"What happened?" I asked, praying desperately that it wasn't another apocalypse.   
  


"Demon," he choked out, spitting blood over my shirt. "Got me outside a bar. Too fast..."  

He trailed off; closing his eyes as he vainly tried to block out the pain.   
  


"Why are you here?" I demanded.   
  


"The nightmares," he murmured, smiling wearily and opening his eyes again. He loosened his grip on my shirt. "I can't sleep anymore. Their faces…"   
  


I was stunned into silence, as was the rest of the A.I team.   
  


"Whose faces?"   
  


"I ruined their lives," he whispered. "How'd you do it?"   
  


I finally understood what Lindsey was saying. He was haunted by the people he had killed, or at least, gotten killed. "Got a conscience now, Lindsey?"   
  


He laughed bitterly. "If you say so."   
  


"How did that come around?" Wesley asked. 

Lindsey was struggling to breathe properly and Fred took charge, waving our questions away until he had sipped some water and settled down. Her face paled when she got a closer look at his injuries, but she merely bit her lip and held the glass to his mouth.   
  


"I travelled after I left," he said suddenly. "Saw some things and made some choices. I didn't like who I'd become; an unemployed drunk. I got wasted at a bar a few weeks ago and was stumbling out when I found a vampire making a snack out of some woman. I staked him before I knew what I was doing, and it got me thinking. You've killed hundreds of people, way more than I ever did, and if saving people helps you, then why can't it help me? So I dragged my ass from wherever I was to see if…if…"   
  


"If?" Wesley prompted   
  


He lowered his head and jerked spasmodically as he coughed. He shifted and winced when the material of the couch grazed against his leg. "To see if… anyone needed help in L.A. That's what I was doing at that bar tonight. If it hadn't been me it would have been the businessman with two kids I pushed out of the way."   
  


"What demon was it?" Wesley demanded. 

"I…I've never seen it before," Lindsey replied, struggling to sit to up. "Big, scaly, but its head was almost human."

"We'll need to follow it up," I said, and Wesley headed into the office. "And you saved this guy and his kids?"    
  


"I hope so," he said. "I told them to run, but I don't know what happened after I was thrown into the wall." He tried to chuckle, but they soon turned into rasps. "I can't believe I'm here. God I hate you, Angel. I'm so pathetic that I'm asking you for a god damned job."   
  


"A what?"   
  


"Make me repeat it, why don't you?" Lindsey sighed, coughing again. "I want a job. Here. With you. I need it."    
  


"You've got to be kidding-" Cordelia began, only to be interrupted by the wailing of sirens coming from outside. The ambulance had arrived. The medics rushed in, a stretcher between them, and they gently placed Lindsey on top of it. They stayed to ask a few quick questions, which I answered rather vaguely and then they were gone before I even had time to consider his request.   
  


Lindsey wanted to work for me. With us. Helping us. My immediate answer, had I been given time to say it, would have been a definite no. But now I had time to mull over it, I was torn. He had done some bad things in his life, but compared to what I had done he was nearly a saint. If I deserved a chance to redeem myself, didn't he?   
  


Cordelia broke the silence. "Well, that was certainly unexpected."  
  


"Couldn't say it any better, Wes," Lorne agreed. "Would it be unexpected to say that I feel a little sorry for the guy?"   
  


"No," Fred replied. "He didn't deserve that."   
  


"No one does," I said quietly. I was still trying to work out why he decided to come here. for a job, instead of working on his own. I knew his hatred for me ran deep, and probably would for a long time to come, so his desperation must have reached breaking point. This was something the whole team needed to decide and to be honest I just could not be bothered tonight. I reminded myself to check in with the hospital tomorrow to see how he was doing, and then pushed him from my mind.   
  


I went upstairs, suddenly eager to shower and clean Lindsey's blood off me. When I returned the gang was seated around the television. Fred was snuggled close to Cordelia, and Wesley was on the single couch, playing with a loose thread.   
  


"What...?"   
  


"We're having a movie night," Wesley informed me, a slow smile spreading across his lips. "Fred's idea."   
  


"Well, we haven't done this for years," she said with a shrug. She snuggled closer to Cordelia and clutched at her hand. "And we're all together again. Charles should be back soon."   
  


As soon as the words left her mouth, the doors swung open and Gunn walked through. He was followed by a young boy, no older than eighteen. I caught Gunn's eye and silently implored him but he only shrugged.   
  


"Met the kid on the way home," he said. "He was fighting vamps like a pro, man." He came closer and said quietly, "Angel, he's got nowhere else to go. His family's all gone. He needs somewhere to stay, and I thought maybe, with all the room we got here, that he could stay a while."   
  


I couldn't see why not and agreed. The poor guy had obviously been to hell and back, and the least I could do was offer him a place to stay. He had lost his family, and his life. I had seen it happen so often, and the haunted look in his eyes made me want to take him under my wing and protect him.   
  


The boy spoke up. "I can fight. I don't have any money, but I can help you guys to pay for staying here."   
  


I took a couple of steps forward. "I'm sure you can fight, but you don't have to. The door's always open and I'm not going to make you pay. What's your name, by the way?"   
  


"Connor," he said.   
  


I introduced everyone, carefully explaining Lorne's rather unusual colouring. I couldn't decide whether to tell him that I was a vampire or not. The last few times I had told someone it had not ended up well. But, as I found out, I didn't need to.   
  


"So you're a vampire, huh?" he asked. I shot him a surprised look, but Gunn stepped forward.   
  


"I thought I'd better let the kid in on it early, since it doesn't usually go down good. He seems okay with it."   
  


"As long as you keep your fangs away from me, we're good," Connor said, and I grinned.   
  


"It's a deal."   
  


"Uh, excuse me." Fred held up her hand. "We were going to watch a movie, but you guys probably want to shower, right?"   
  


"Yeah, would be an idea," Gunn said, and Fred winced at his harsh tone. 

I knew Gunn was still hurting about their break up, but I frowned at his cutting voice. I don't think he realized that Fred was devastated. I saw Wesley from the corner of my eye. He froze when Gunn spoke and moved back into the office.  
  


"I'll show you to a room, Connor," she said, ignoring Gunn as she walked past him and took Connor by the hand. They disappeared up the steps with Gunn following behind.   
  


"This night is by far the weirdest and most action-packed night we've had in a long time, don't you think?" Lorne said.   
  


"I would have to agree with you on that." Wesley resumed his position on the couch.   
  


"The poor little guy." Lorne shook his head sadly. "Only a kid, just starting his life in the big bad world, and now he'll never get to go to college."   
  


"Happens to the best of them," Cordelia said with a sigh, and I realized how true it was.   
  


Buffy had been delivered from her naïve existence at only fifteen, with Xander, Willow and Cordelia only a year later. Gunn lost his chance at a normal life much earlier than that, and Fred was only given a glimpse of what lay ahead in her future before she too was thrown into a life where vampires and demons were real. Like Buffy, they were 'chosen' because they had what it took to fight against evil, and had to deal with the life they were handed. It was tough, but it was life.   
  


I sat down as Fred returned and Lorne turned the TV on. I stole a glance at Cordelia and saw the pain and sorrow in her eyes. I felt my heart go out to her. She had been through so much, and most of it was because she had stayed by my side. She had been my best friend for so long that I had taken her for granted over the years. She had changed so much from the shallow, conceited girl with the witty, if not scathing comments. Now she was a mature, beautiful woman who had suffered through more than any woman should. But she wasn't alone; we would be there for her. I glanced around at my family, suddenly aware that these people were my life. Without them, I would be no one.   
  


One of them suddenly switched the channel and a news reporter floated onto the screen.   
  


I stared at the screen in numb horror, an icy sensation creeping through my body as I watched the images of Sunnydale, or at least, what was left of it. In its place was a gaping mouth in a barren, dusty land and a cloud of grime smothered the air above it. And as I absorbed the images, my mind was screaming one word over and over.    
  


Buffy.   
  


No, I wouldn't allow myself to believe that she was dead. She couldn't be- God, I couldn't even say the word again. I used to know that I would always feel her, always know if she was near or far away. But after all this time away from her, I had begun to have my doubts. Could the link between us have somehow faded over the years or even disappeared? I had always been so certain that it would never dim, and having doubts now did nothing to ease my mind.   
  


The demon inside of me reared its ugly head and taunted me. How could there be any possible chance that she had escaped the devastation that had befallen Sunnydale? And what about Willow or Xander? Had they survived? I knew nothing would stop them from being by Buffy's side. Did Dawn and Giles make it out before the town had collapsed into itself? I knew Buffy would die before allowing anything to happen to those two. She had done it before and would do it again. But if she was dead, how could she protect them? I flailed helplessly for a thread of hope or an excuse, and came up empty. I didn't see how...   
  


I felt a hand grab mine and looked down to see Cordelia gazing up at me, and realized that I was now standing. Tears were streaming down her face and reflected in her eyes was a sadness that must have mirrored my own. I numbly wrapped my arms around her and gathered her to my chest, staring vacantly over her shoulder as she cried. I was frozen in a state of utter coldness; there was not an inch of me that felt anything. _  
  
_

I didn't see Wesley slip his hand into Fred's or Lorne gulp down the rest of his vodka. I didn't feel Cordelia slide from my arms and take a step back. I didn't reply when Wesley began to awkwardly offer condolences, or when Fred murmured that she was sorry. All I saw was the great, gaping hole on the television screen that mirrored by heart. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.   
  


The news switched to another story but I did not notice. "I…she…" My mouth could not form the words. I turned my back to them, not certain that I could hold myself together.   
  


It wasn't possible. I just couldn't accept it- she was not dead. I refused to listen to the voice in my head that repeated the three ugliest words I had ever heard- she is dead. Because Buffy was the Slayer who never lost. She was the best Slayer to ever grace the earth. She went against everything that was thrown at her, and threw it back twice as hard. She went up against the worst evils this Earth had seen and she always came out on top. She always won. Not even death could defeat her, for she had come back from its depths twice now. She was unbeatable. 

So how could she be…gone?   
  


It came crashing down on me so hard and fast that I felt my knees give way. I collapsed to the floor, despite struggling to stay upright. I vaguely comprehended the others around me; I barely saw the chair in front of me; I did not feel the hard surface against my knees. My mind was a haze, and I could not make sense of any thoughts save one- Buffy.   
  


I don't know how long I stayed like that- maybe a few seconds, or a few minutes. I suddenly came back to reality when I heard someone speak, and saw Cordelia's mouth moving. I couldn't understand what she was saying. In a numb silence I forced myself to stand. _  
  
_

And then…   
  


My mind screamed with hope when I felt it. It became a physical sensation, electric shocks shooting up my spine. It … I looked up and waited. And waited. The others watched me silently. I did not realize that Gunn and Connor had returned and were standing on the steps. I only saw the front door. And I waited. My world stood still.    
  


And then, like the slow, rhythmic beating of a heart, there came the soft sound of footsteps. Like the anticipation of slowly climbing a rollercoaster, the door began to open, inch by inch. And like the rising of the sun over the horizon at daybreak, she stepped into my sight.   
  


I fell in love all over again. She stood before me, in flesh and blood, breathing and alive, only a few steps away. I crossed the distance between us, but it felt as though time had slowed. Her hair was loose and streaked with dirt. Her cheeks were flushed crimson, and there was a tiny cut on her left cheekbone. She stood awkwardly and I noticed the wound on her side. I wanted nothing more to hold her and take away her pain. I looked into her eyes, and I saw a spark I hadn't sent there since our first year together. I thought that maybe this was a drema, that ym eyes were playing tricks on me, so I reached out my hand. She was real. My finger touched the soft skin of her cheek and a raging fire swept through my body. I felt alive.  
  


I stared down into her beautiful eyes and saw that she was gazing into mine.   
  


"Buffy," I whispered. I said her name with everything I had, with all my love, passion and devotion. There were no words to describe the extent of emotions which flowed through me. She was here.   
  


"Angel."   
  


I thought my heart would burst when I heard my name of her lips. She had always had a way of saying my name which made me want to give everything I had to make her happy. It played across her lips like a song, beautiful and melodious, the most breathtaking sound I had ever heard.   
  


Some say love is gentle and kind. But to me, love is fervent and painful. It is something which consumes a person whole until they can no longer breathe or live without their lover. Love is completely uniting two souls, binding and entwining them until they become one. She is my life. She is my fever, my pain. She is my soul. 


	11. Buffy

Chapter 12- Buffy   
  


~~~

I had barely stepped through the door before he was in front of me, reaching out to touch me. I had waited for this moment for so long, and now that it was here I did not know what to do. Ever since I realized that Angel and I could never be together, I had hoped and prayed for this day. I had dreamt about the day when I could lay my weapons aside for a moment and gaze into his eyes. When I could hold him and, wrapped in his arms, tell him that I loved him. I had imagined the moment when I told him I could not care less about the impossibility of a physical relationship; any relationship was enough for me. Anything but this endless cycle of loving and losing him. He left me again before the battle, leaving another hole in my heart, and I realized that I could not finish baking unless I had the final ingredient. Angel. _  
  
_

I was nobody without him. Somehow, all those years ago in that dim alley way, our souls had been bound. I had tried to deny it; we both had. He left and I tried to move on by dating others. It hadn't worked for either of us. I had only ended up getting hurt when I couldn't fully allow myself to love Riley, and he had spent the past years alone, dealing with his pain in silence. After all the years of separation I was sure that bond, now mental, emotional and physical, had faded. But it hadn't, and I couldn't ignore it any longer because now I knew that it would never fade. I wouldn't let it.   
  


I had once thought that our time had passed. I had told myself repeatedly that we'd had our chance and it hadn't worked out. But I realized that we hadn't even begun. Angel and I had years ahead of us to spend together, and my heart fluttered at the thought. I was bitter with regret for the years we could have been together had he not left, but there was no point in lamenting about the past. If he had stayed, then life may have been a lot different than it was now. A sudden thought hit me. If Angel had been there, would I have died? That was not fair, I scolded myself. As much as I hated it and despised the people who made it happen, I was _meant _to die that day, and nothing Angel could have done would have changed that.   
  


"Buffy," he whispered, and my breathing became ragged. I wanted nothing more than to throw him down and ravish him, but Giles stepped through the doors behind me and I reined my thoughts back to something appropriate.   
  


"Angel," I replied, suddenly short of breath.   
  


Our way of greeting was typical. As Dawn would put it, our hellos were "so depressing and angsty that we looked happier when we were facing an apocalypse". She's a fairly perceptive girl.   
  


The others ambled through the door behind me. I saw Angel sweep his eyes over them, counting those who remained. He nodded and bit his lip, then glanced at me sharply as though realizing something.   
  


"Spike?" he asked.   
  


Fresh tears came to my eyes. His eyes flashed briefly with what I thought was pain and I realized that for all his jealous insults, he would grieve the vampire who his Childe had sired. Spending a century with someone would create a bond between anyone, and Spike and Angel were no exception.   
  


"Was there anyone else?" he asked, too softly for anyone else to hear.   
  


"Anya," I murmured, and he instantly glanced at Xander. I saw Angel catch his eye and nod, to which Xander wearily nodded back. I was surprised at the civilized and silent understanding that passed between them. I remembered the annoying hostility they showed towards each other all those year ago, but they had both come a long way since then. Both had changed considerably over the years. Xander had matured, growing into a stable and trustworthy businessman, while Angel had become more independent, more confident in himself and his efforts to redeem himself. They had finally reached common ground.   
  


Wesley stepped forward and coughed, gaining everyone's attention. "How about you come inside, instead of standing in the doorway, and we'll get you settled in."   
  


Angel shot him a sheepish look which I found incredibly cute on him. We ambled further into the hotel and Gunn came forward, offering to show us rooms where we could stay, or shower if we wanted to. Everyone nodded, grateful for a place to rest or clean up. Wesley stood beside me, and I could see that he was silently debating what to say. I surprised him by hugging him fiercely. I never thought I would say that Wesley was pleasing to look at, but at that moment he looked decidedly yummy. I saw Cordelia over his shoulder, standing awkwardly in front of a chair but behind a slim, pretty brunette. After I released Wesley, I walked over to the girl who had been the source of many frustrations in high school.   
  


The woman in front of her shuffled forward. "I'm Fred. And you're Buffy."   
  


"That's right," I said, smiling at her nervous fidgeting. She reminded me so much of Willow.   
  


"I've heard so much about you. You're like…a hero!" she gushed, and I blushed ferociously.  
  


"Not so much a hero as a lucky person," I replied.   
  


"I'm glad you and the others are okay." Her eyes caught onto something behind me and they lit up. "Willow!" she squealed, and rushed to embrace her.   
  


I studied Cordelia for a moment. She was certainly different. Her body had filled out, and her hair was cut into a short bob. But it was not the physical changes that caught my attention. Instead of the showy, straight postured girl I used to know, Cordelia was almost huddling, her hands clasped in front of her belly. Her eyes, which had once held so much determination and spark, were haunted and sad.Something had happened to her, and I felt my heart go out to her. I moved forward slowly and held out my arms. She hugged me back, but her grip was limp and weak in my own.   
  


"You'll be okay," I whispered, although I had no idea what had happened, or if it would be okay. I was just taking a wild stab in the dark, trying to comfort her. This quiet, reserved woman was not Cordelia, and it frightened me. "You will be."   
  


"I know," she replied softly, and released me. I turned to follow Gunn up the stairs and felt Angel's comforting gaze on my back. __

~~~

My first shower since the battle was amazing. As the water splashed over my body, I felt the dirt and grime wash away, and my fresh, clean state heightened my mood. With a sudden desire to be free of the threads to my past, I grabbed the sponge and scrubbed my limbs until they were raw. My hair was finally clean and free of knots, and I ran my fingers through the blonde locks. I had an unexpected longing for Angel to run his fingers through my hair, and I was startled as the feeling which I had buried for so long rose to the surface. I felt the same as I had six years ago when my crush on Angel had begun. It was exciting, new and…frightening. I felt like a giddy teenager.   
  


I reluctantly turned the water off and stepped into the cold air. The towel was heavenly against my skin, and I took my time in drying myself. I slipped on a silk dressing gown that hung in the closet and squeezed the water from my hair with the towel. I nearly jumped in fright when I heard a knock on the door. Turning around, I dropped the towel on the floor and crossed the room. I knew who stood there before I opened the door. Angel smiled back at me and I held the door open wider as he came in.   
  


"Are you all right?" he asked. "Is there anything you need? I can get you a drink, or some food. Do you want anything to eat? I'm not a great cook but I could whip up something if you'd like-"   
  


"Angel," I interrupted with a smile. "I'm fine."   
  


He nodded and we stood facing each other in uncomfortable silence.   
  


"Well, I better let you get dressed. I'll be downstairs if you need anything."   
  


I could not believe that Angel was starting to babble. I knew he didn't just come up here to see if I needed anything, and I told him so.   
  


"Yeah, I sort of panicked," he said.   
  


"I noticed," I replied. "Want to talk?"   
  


He nodded and sat down on the bed. "This past year had just been so crazy. I mean, things have happened that would make daytime soaps look like nothing."   
  


"It couldn't have been that bad." Who did he think he was talking to? Look up crazy and weird in the dictionary and it will say 'Buffy's life' in bold capitals.   
  


"We ended world peace."   
  


I blinked. "Huh?"   
  


"I won't tell you the entire story now, because it's too long and confusing. But over the past year, I've discovered so much about myself and the others that I realized I didn't know myself or any of them before." It was always the big battles that showed you a person's true self, I thought, thinking about Spike. "You've always been my constant," he continued. "With everything going crazy around me, I could always think of you and everything would seem okay. You're always there at the back of my mind, reminding me of what I'm here to do. You're always the same; no matter how much you change, you're always focused on what you have to do. And it's that trait that holds me to you. I'm saying this now because, when I thought you were dead, I regretted not saying it. I just want to get it all out while I have the chance. I still love you, Buffy. You know I always will." He suddenly looked stricken. "I know you love Spike, and I'm not trying to make you choose or anything. I-I just wanted to let you know."   
  


I was so impressed with how well he knew me at the start of his little speech that the ending completely threw me. "What? Love Spike?"   
  


"It's okay; I'm all right with it." He looked so serious and miserable that I nearly laughed.   
  


"Angel, let me tell you something. What did I tell you about Spike when you came to Sunnydale with the medallion?"   
  


His forehead creased as he narrowed his eyes, thinking back to that day. "You told me you wanted to be with Spike, and that he was your champion."   
  


"Did I ever say I loved Spike?"   
  


His eyes widened almost comically.   
  


"No, I didn't," I answered for him. "I said I wanted to give it a chance, to see what would happen. Well, I didn't love Spike, not yet anyway, and as much as I hate it, he's gone. I'll never get a chance to see what would have happened with him. And losing him made me realize that I could lose you just as easily. I have never been more scared in my life, Angel. The thought of living in a world without you…I don't think I could. Spike was my champion, yes, but Angel… don't you understand? You don't need me to be a champion. You already are. If Spike had lived, I don't think it would have worked between us. Because, Angel, I still am, and always will be in love with _you."_   
  


He looked so silly, sitting there with his mouth gaping open that I broke into a grin. In a sudden rush of air, he scooped me up and lifted me hungrily to his lips. I met his with equal intensity, and I was left breathless when we broke apart. We stayed like that for a moment; him, staring down at me with those brown eyes that make me weak at the knees, and me, a snug fit in his firm embrace, gazing back at him. Then his gaze changed, and I immediately recognized the guilt in his eyes and in the way his grip loosened.   
  


"What's wrong?" I asked.   
  


"We're back where we began," he murmured.   
  


I shook my head vehemently. "No way, buddy. There is no possible way you are going to find an excuse to leave me this time, because you know what? Whatever doubts you have, I _don't care. _You hear me? I just don't care anymore. I've waited too goddamn long to finally get a break and now I'm not going to let you go. I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of thinking about the future when it's more than likely I won't live long enough to _have _a future." He tried to protest but I cut him off with a wave of my hand. "No, listen to me. I'm the Slayer, Angel. We both know my life expectancy isn't great and my record with dying isn't too great either. I want to live now, in the present, while I still have a life to live. And I want to spend it with you. Let's just take each day as they come and see what happens. It's not going to be all good; actually, it's going to be damn hard and painful. But I'm willing to give it another go." I looked at him, almost shyly. "If you are."   
  


It took him all of one second to capture my mouth with his, and I found myself sinking into his body. God, I loved this so much. Just him and me, together, like no one else existed. I parted my lips and nearly moaned when his tongue darted into my mouth. I pressed my hands against his chest and kissed him harder and deeper, making up for all the kisses we could have had over the years. I pulled away, half reluctantly, half exhilarated.   
  


"I love you," I whispered.   
  


"I love _you_," he replied, and I smiled. He smiled back at me and I can honestly say, that out of the six years I've known Angel, this was the happiest I had ever seen him. And it made me happy.   
  


I rested my cheek against his chest and I felt him place his chin on top of my head. We fit together perfectly. This felt so…right.   
  


But then something changed, and it took my breath away. Angel stiffened at the same time I did, and jumped away from me. I stared at him, eyes wide, and my mouth hanging slightly open. He stared at me, confusion clouding his eyes as he grasped his chest and struggled to breathe. It was a miracle.   
  


His heart was beating.   
  


"Buffy…" he said softly. "What...what?"   
  


"You're human," I whispered.   
  


"What? Why is this happening?"   
  


My heart was thudding against my rib cage so fast I though the people downstairs would hear it. My lower lip trembled.   
  


"You've done it," I replied. "You've finally atoned. Angel, you have saved more lives than you took."   
  


"But-but…whose life did I save?" He was trying to control his breathing, and his hand was running up and down his arms, where blood now pumped freely through his veins.   
  


I stepped forward and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look into my eyes.   
  


"Mine," I said. "You saved my life. Without you, I wouldn't have been able to live. Angel, you're alive."   
  


"I'm alive," he repeated, searching my eyes for confirmation.   
  


"You're alive."   
  


He looked so bewildered and confused that I wanted to say something to comfort him. But I couldn't think of anything to say, so I continued to watch him. His face glowed, his cheeks now a faint pink as the heat rushed through his body. Finally, after all these years, he was human again. I silently thanked whoever had given him this gift, not for him, but for me. This was the only thing I wanted, and I had finally received it. The only thing I had ever wanted was him. And now he was mine, and I could be with him forever with no curse standing in our way.   
  


"We should go downstairs…tell everyone," he said, but I shook my head vigorously, my mind already running away with the possibilities.   
  


"Oh, no," I said. "They can wait a few hours…"   
  


~~~

To Be Concluded… 

~~~   
  


Thanks for the reviews!   



	12. EpilogueLorne

Epilogue- Lorne

~~~

As I wandered through the hotel, I found myself realizing that my next show was going to be amazing. This was the perfect story to tell- fighting, angst, death and love. I knew that it would be one hell of a show. Already I could imagine the audiences lining up to buy tickets. 

Only a moment ago, I walked past Wesley's office and- I can tell you now- I got the shock of my life. Fred was standing on her toes, wrapped in Wesley's arms, and they were both devouring each other's mouths like there was no tomorrow. Finally, those two had worked past all the obstacles in their way and allowed themselves to love each other. I only hoped they would realize that they had always been soul mates, and that they would never leave one another again. I couldn't live through all that suppressed desire and sexual tension again. 

Once I had closed the door and given them their privacy, I strolled over to where Gunn was teaching Dawn to use an axe. She was a fiery young woman, and I could see that she would have no problem getting what she wanted out of life. She was fierce, just like her older sister. Gunn, on the other hand, was a mystery to me. He was happy, I could see that with my own two eyes, but I felt waves of confusion coming off him. He was still lost and dazed by the sudden loss of Fred, but more so by the lack of any future in front of him. I mentally reminded myself to speak to him later.

I heard Cordy's raised voice and turned around to find her facing off with that young man. I was still confused about the memory spell Angel and Cordy had asked me to perform on them, but what perplexed me the most was the small pacifier Angel kept in his drawer. I needed an object that belonged to the person they wanted to forget, and he used this. Why would they want to forget a baby? 

I focused back on the two standing in front of me. What was his name? That's right- Xander. He was brave; I couldn't deny him that. Standing by his best friend and facing death and danger at every corner for seven years, I was amazed that he had escaped with only a missing eye. I could see that nothing would faze him. Not even a furious Cordelia Chase. 

She had crossed her arms defiantly across her chest. I was blissfully glad to see that she was slowly returning to her old ways, even if it was only the anger, and I knew that it would be a long time before she would truly move past it. Anything was better than the guilty, silent woman who had woken only this morning. I could hear the sorrow at the edges of her voice, but I also heard- if only a faint echo- hope. 

Together, they were dynamic. 

"You cheated on me!" Cordelia yelled.

"And you made Anya turn me into a vampire!" he retorted, glaring down at her. She didn't back down and defended herself quickly.

"I wouldn't have needed to if you hadn't cheated on me!"

"It was four years ago. Get over it."

"I wasn't the one who brought it up!"

"Yes you were!"

"Was not!"

"Were too!"

"My God, what are they, five?"

I turned to see the African American principle lounging on the stairs, Faith sitting between his legs. He was a weird one, that one. Full of anger and vengeance, but also regret and relief. I couldn't possibly work past all the emotions coming off him, but I was receiving a direct feel of content coming through. 

"No, I think two's closer." 

Faith, who was smirking, looked comfortable in his embrace. I was astonished at the change the brunette had gone through over the years. She had gone from a lost, destructive girl and grown into a contrite, thriving woman, who, by the looks of things, had finally found something stable in her life. But knowing Faith, it was only a matter of time before she landed herself back in hot water. 

Thinking of Faith's journey of redemption reminded me of Lindsey. He was certainly one of the more unexpected surprises we'd had today, and I wasn't entirely sure if it had been welcome. I believed that even the worst human being deserved a chance but Lindsey had purposefully and repetitively made an attempt on Angel's life, and that was something a friend did not easily forgive. Maybe he could prove me wrong…

I heard a shriek from the kitchen and went to investigate. From what I could see, it seemed that making simple hot chocolates had evolved into preparing a banquet for twenty; all of whom must have a distinct sweet tooth, by the number of cakes, biscuits and chocolates spread across the table. A flour flight had broken out, and I groaned at thought of cleaning up the mess the next morning. Maybe I could talk that Andrew fellow into cleaning it up. Either that or I would just resort to scaring him into doing it. 

Willow exchanged a sly smile with a brunette who I remembered was called Kennedy. I smiled, happy to see that Willow had moved on from her past girlfriend. I could see that Kennedy would ground Willow, and that the redhead would help Kennedy to lighten up. Someone that young shouldn't be so serious. I had been told about Willow's spell, and was utterly amazed that someone so young, not to mention small, had been able to perform it. I was completely honored that I had spoken to the world's most powerful witch. 

I left the girls and Andrew to their devices and ambled into the main room again. I caught sight of Rupert, or Giles as everyone else called him, resting on the front desk. His eyes drank in the sights before him, the sight of his friends-no, children- finally free of the weight of the world. His eyes shone with pride and satisfaction, just as a father's would as he led his daughter down an aisle to be wed. I could see that he had been the foundation of their group for so long, the one holding everyone together and watching over them. He had watched them as they matured, as they made mistakes, as they picked themselves back up and started all over again. He had watched them as they loved and lost, as they smiled and suffered. He had watched over them as they grew. 

I knew that it went a lot deeper than his title. Yes, he was a Watcher, someone that watched and guided his Slayer. Yet he also loved his Slayer, his daughter, and her friends and family, and I knew that he would always find the means to watch over them. His eyes wondered towards the second floor, and I followed his train of thought. 

Buffy and Angel.

The two strongest people I have ever, and will ever, know in my lifetime. All I can say about them is that they will be all right in the end.

They always find their way, and they will find it- together. 

**_~~~_**

**_Somewhere high above..._**

**_~~~_**

"Lucky girl. She's in for one hell of a night."

"I don't think any personal experience you've had with him will even compare to what they have, Darla."

"Yeah, I know Jenny. He was always cold when I had him. Now they actually get to be hot and heavy..."

"I'd appreciate it if you would not talk about my daughter that way, Darla."

"Sorry, Joyce."

"Darla's just bitter she's dead, again." 

"I didn't think you had claws, Jenny."

"You don't think full stop."

"Ouch."

"Would you guys please stop fighting?"

"Sorry, Joyce."

"Yes, Joyce, very sorry."

"A-are Slayers meant to do that?" 

"Yes, Kendra, you lot are human too."

"Ya, I know… But it seems so…distracting."

"Why does Buffy get to have multiple orgasms while I sit up here watching Xander sleep alone?"

"Anya! Is that all you think about?"

"Mostly. Sometimes..."

"Would you look at that!" 

"What is it, Jenny?"

"Willow changed the spell."

"What spell?"

"The one to take away the power from all the new Slayers. She changed it so that the potentials will only be called as the Slayer when they are ready for the power and responsibility."

"So Giles and Xander's plan will be needed?"

"Yes, Joyce. I can see that Giles is really excited about…"

"That was not a goal!"

"It was! I saw it go through!"

"Did not! It missed!"

"Would you guys shut up?"

"Sorry, Anya."

"Stupid wanna-be Slayers..."

"W-where's Spike?"

"Oh, Tara, there you are. He's playing poker with Doyle, Jessie and Jonathan."

"Thanks, Darla. Do you think we s-should let him see this?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"I agree with Joyce. He's not exactly known for his ability to remain calm."

"Who isn't, Darla?"

"Oh, Doyle! Weren't you playing poker?"

"Aye, we were, until Spike decided to cheat. Ye should've seen his face when the card fell outta' his sleeve."

"What is it with cheating these days?"

"It was a bloody accident!"

"Speak of the devil..."

"Yeah, sure, the ace of hearts just happened to float up your sleeve, did it?"

"Shut up, Jessie."

"Ouch, you hurt me with your words, Spike."

"Man, I'd like to finish just one game without you cheating!"

"Yeah, it would be nice."

"Oh, bugger off.  'S not like it's a real game of poker, anyway. Look who I'm playing against. A nerd, a try-hard big bad, and Jessie, the vamp that let _Harris_ stake him."__

 "Get over it, Spike."

"Hey, demon-girl, I was over it before it began."

"Then why are you still talking?"

"Because...Hey, what are you looking at?"

"Uh, oh, nothing." 

"Sure you aren't, Glinda."

"No, really Spike, it's nothing."

"It's okay, Joyce, I'm a big boy now so you can let me see. There's nothing that's too bad for my eyes..."

…"Spike, please stop banging your head on the wall. You're scaring us."

**~~~**

**The End**

**~~~**


End file.
